It's time to declare a cease-fire between the sexes. I don't mean to suggest that men and women are having an all-out war. For the most part, we get along pretty well. It's just that rigid stereotypes sometimes make us enemies instead of allies.
We've all heard disparaging comments about successful career women being inadequate wives and mothers and stay-at-home moms wasting their talent. We've also heard men being mocked for cooking meals, doing laundry or earning less than their wives.Women need more respect for the work they do in and out of their homes. Men need more encouragement and support when they try to fulfill their obligations as fathers and husbands.
How many women have urged their husbands to play a greater role in child-rearing, only to criticize their every move, whether it's putting a diaper on wrong or letting the kids stay up too late? I admit, I've done it too. The first time Bill tried to feed Chelsea, I watched him like a hawk.
Fortunately, I learned over the years that my way of handling things wasn't necessarily better just because I was a woman. And I came to realize how lucky I was that my husband enjoyed getting our daughter ready for school, giving her a bath and reading her bedtime stories.
I'm also lucky to have grown up in a family where we children never thought it odd that our parents didn't always fit the typical 1950s family mold.
It's true that in many ways our family was right out of "Father Knows Best." My father worked, and my mother stayed at home to care for me and my brothers. But while my mother cooked most of our daily meals, my father always spent Saturday night serving up his special hamburgers and making us hearty soups. My mother, meanwhile, hit thousands of tennis balls to us and even ran an occasional pass pattern when we played touch football.
A generation later, there is still a lot of confusion about who is supposed to do what when it comes to parental roles.
For the most part, child rearing is still considered "women's work." Even when women with children share the breadwinner role with their husbands, they almost always bear the primary - and disproportionate - responsibility for care-giving and homemaking. It is an arrangement that not only gives short shrift to women but also to men and children.
False notions of "masculine" and "feminine" behaviors only serve to paralyze adults even further in their efforts to become the best parents they can be. Is a mother who is ambitious for her children and husband acting "feminine," and a woman who is ambitious on behalf of her own career acting "masculine"? Is a father who soothes a crying child acting "feminine" while one who plays sports with his kids acting "masculine"?
These are all human behaviors that both men and women display, depending on their particular temperaments and circumstances.
If we truly care about strong families, strong communities and strong societies, we have to recognize that men and women can complement each other inside and outside the home. We should not be adversaries but partners in all our efforts, especially those on behalf of our children.
Regardless of which spouse is the main breadwinner or the primary caretaker for children, neither should have to feel guilty about making choices that are right for the family.
A friend of mine married after she was 40 and had a child at 45. Her husband works from home and has assumed the bulk of the child-care and homemaking duties. She, meanwhile, has continued a hectic professional life that frequently keeps her in the office late at night and takes her out of town.
Another of my closest friends chose the opposite path. She quit teaching after the first of her three children was born. Until her youngest son was grown, she devoted herself full-time to her children.
Both women and their husbands say they are leading fulfilling - if not easy - lives. To borrow a phrase from anthropologist Mary Catherine Bateson, these parents have "composed a life" best suited to their and their family's needs and priorities.
In the end, that is what "women's rights" is all about: Making it possible for women - and men - to contribute their skills and strengths to their families and society.