ST. PETERSBURG, FLA., RESIDENT Nancy Rawlins, like millions of other women nationwide, followed the spousal abuse trial of Warren and Felicia Moon with great interest.
And last year, she, like millions of other women, also followed the murder trial of O.J. Simpson, not for its exploitation of the rich and infamous, but because evidence also suggested that O.J. had abused his wife, Nicole Brown Simpson.Rawlins was disappointed but hardly surprised when Felicia Moon, a 120-pounder, recanted her earlier statements that her husband, the quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings, had battered her repeatedly. Nor was Rawlins surprised when Felicia Moon said that she, not her husband, a powerful 200-pounder, had instigated the couple's fights and that she, not her husband, had thrown the punches that prompted her calls to 911.
Rawlins, 60, who considers herself a "survivor," knows well the game of denial that Felicia Moon and Nicole Brown Simpson played.
"For about 30 years, I was pummeled, choked and slugged," Rawlins says. "But I eventually found the key to freedom from my abusive, addictive relationships. In my own way, I have succeeded in turning my life around."
How she transformed her life, conquering what she calls "a spirit of helplessness," is chronicled in her book, "Silent Rain."
Overcoming spousal abuse, Rawlins says, must begin with victims themselves. "It is imperative that we realize that we have choices, that we are responsible for ourselves," she says.
"When Dr. Susan Forward (author of the best-seller "Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them") told Nicole she should break all ties to O.J. and move on with her life, Nicole replied, `I can't do that. It would hurt O.J.'s feelings,' " Rawlins says.
"Victims like Nicole must choose to get out of a bad relationship. Love does not mean having to live with abuse."
Women must love themselves enough to choose to take aggressive, positive action - even leaving - the first time physical abuse occurs.
Here are some of the facts, as Rawlins sees them: Although some men (and women) who commit domestic violence are mentally ill, many others are psychologically stable. Those in this group may be the most dangerous over time because their goal is to control and to manipulate.
Because most victims have low self-esteem, Rawlins says, they let their emotions rule their choices. As such, victims strive in vain to be seen as good partners and good people. By trying to be understanding and forgiving, victims perpetuate their own hell. "If you've been slapped or knocked down one time, it's one time too many," Rawlins says. "Stop the merry-go-round of pain, misery and suffering - or worse, your death."
Rawlins argues that too many victims, like Felicia Moon, protect their batterers.
"Women must learn that they are not responsible for the behavior of the other person," Rawlins says. "An abuse victim needs to step back and look at her batterer as if he were a stranger, picturing him beating another woman. Then, the victim can clearly see that her abuser needs to get professional help. Only a professional can help him. Women must choose to know this."