- A PARK BY ANY OTHER NAME: Now let me get this straight. Drug dealers are running wild in Pioneer Park, so business folks wanted to drive the dealers out by putting in restaurants that sell booze.
By law, they couldn't sell booze so close to a "park," so they tried to change the name to Pioneer "Square." But other people - who don't want more booze floating around - fought the name change.As Columbo would say, "You see how confusing it gets?"
Then he'd close his eyes and tap a forefinger to his forehead.
"I just can't figure it out," he'd say.
Well, lieutenant, let me help you.
COLUMBO: Correct me if I'm wrong, sir, but as I understand it the plan was to stop people from selling drugs at the park by allowing people to sell booze at the park. Is that right, sir?
ME: That was the plan.
COLUMBO: But some people opposed the idea because they thought people selling drugs was preferable to people selling booze.
ME: Well, not exactly.
COLUMBO: Help me out with that, sir, would you?
ME: It has to do with legitimacy, lieutenant. Many people who fought the name change think selling drugs and selling alcohol are wrong. They didn't think it was right to legitimize selling one to drive out the other. It would be like allowing people to double-park so they don't violate parking meter laws, if you get my drift.
COLUMBO: They wanted to limit people's choice, in other words.
ME: Well, that's not their take on it. People who oppose alcohol sales think the choice for drugs and booze is always there. In fact, they think sinful choices are more plentiful around here than prize rabbits at the State Fair. They just don't want sin made "legitimate." They think there's plenty of worldliness in the world - and that Sodom, Rome and Wendover, Nevada, got into trouble not by sinning but by "legitimizing" those sins.
COLUMBO: I see. So the whole name-change thing was a red herring.
ME: Yes. Though I do think both sides often fantasize about such things.
COLUMBO: What do you mean, sir?
ME: People who'd like to see Salt Lake City be more like other cities dream of changing all the "parks" to "squares": Liberty Park to Liberty Square, Rose Park to Rose Square, Park City to Square City.
COLUMBO: And the other side, sir?
ME: They dream of beating back the sale of booze by changing all the "squares" to "parks": Trolley Square to Trolley Park, Times Square to Times Park. And, of course, Temple Park.
COLUMBO: This is very hard to follow, sir.
ME: I know. You see how confusing it gets, Lieutenant?