Another evening in paradise:
7 p.m. - The 13-year-old announces he has an upcoming English project. The project: Design an advertising campaign for a book, incorporating a plot summary. The book: "Congo" by Michael Crichton.At the sound of the word "project," a dull pain begins to form behind my right eye.
"When would this project be due?" I ask.
"This would be due, uh, tomorrow," he says.
7:02 - The room is suddenly very still. It turns out the project was assigned a month ago. But apparently a large safe recently dropped on the boy's head from 20 stories up, causing all memory of the project to disappear until this moment.
He yawns and says: "Well, guess I should get started."
7:04 - The boy announces that his work on the project has run into a minor roadblock, the minor roadblock being that he does not have the poster board, multicolor markers, Elmer's glue, etc., necessary for the visual portion of the project.
He asks if I will drive him to the store to purchase the materials needed.
Sure. All I was going to do was eat dinner. But I ate dinner yesterday.
7:16 - At the store, the boy asks for a 16-ounce Mountain Dew and bag of Doritos, well-known for their restorative powers, as he will need full mental alacrity for the project.
"Absolutely not," I say.
This is part of the fun of having kids, seeing their little faces drop when you crush their hopes like so many cigarette butts.
7:50 - Back home, the boy says: "You know what we need?"
We?
"We need a tape of gorilla sounds."
Apparently, one of the central characters of "Congo" is a gorilla named Amy. Therefore, for the audio portion of the project - a simulated radio commercial - the boy needs the grunts of a gorilla.
"I know! They have special-effects tapes at the library!" he says.
The pain over my right eye has increased in intensity. I notice my left hand is twitching violently.
7:55 - We pile back into the car. As the library is set to close soon, I gun the car and go fishtailing out of the driveway like Starsky & Hutch. Hey, this is no time to worry about vehicular homicide.
8:10 - It turns out the library special-effects tape has sounds of traffic, sounds of a football crowd cheering, sounds of dogs barking. But no gorilla sounds.
"Wait! We have a movie of gorillas mating!" the librarian says.
I don't think I want to see this. Mercifully, we're able to use a snippet from the beginning of the movie, which features the equivalent of a gorilla Happy Hour, where the two are just getting to know each other.
9:10 - The boy says he has "one quick question. Now, when they say `plot summary,' what exactly are they talking about?"
I launch into a pointed explanation of a plot summary, the series of events that constitute the action of a narrative or drama, etc.
The boy appears to be staring at a point on the ceiling near the light fixture.
When I finish, he says: "Justin says a Dodge Viper would blow a Harley-Davidson off the road."
9:35 - The boy has "one more quick question. OK, fine, you explained plot summary. But how exactly would that relate to this particular story?"
I make a detailed outline of "Congo": the field expedition that's mysteriously wiped out in central Africa, the grainy video transmission that provides the first clue that some otherworldly horror has befallen the scientists, the realization that Amy the gorilla could hold the secret to the slaughter, etc.
The boy nods thoughtfully, then pulls off his socks and begins examining his toes.
10:20 - The boy says: "You know what would be awesome? If we had a drawing of a gorilla!"
The problem, the boy says, is that he can't draw very well. Could I help? I sketch something that looks like a gorilla only if you've had both corneas gouged out in a knife fight.
"Awesome!" the boy says, happily scooping up the drawing and returning to his room.
I see the art standards in public school are as rigorous as ever.
10:50 - The boy has "one more quick question" and swears "this is absolutely the last time I'll bother you. Can you think of a good title for this ad campaign?"
I suggest this one: "You Got Five Minutes To Finish This Project And Go To Bed Or You're In Big Trouble."
I hope I get an A on this baby.