SOMEBODY ASKED Shaquille O'Neal why he slapped Greg Ostertag, and Shaq said "testosterone."
That explains everything. Now we get it. The ol' testosterone defense.Idi Amin used that one, too. Napoleon used it whenever he sacked a country. The Japanese said it was testosterone that made them bomb Pearl Harbor.
Whenever there's trouble, testosterone is the first thing people point to. You can blame a lot of things on testosterone: World War I. World War II. Desert Storm. Mike Tyson. Jim Rome. The Dallas Cowboys. Hockey. Roseanne.
Texas.
At this very moment, as you read this column, someone close to you could have testosterone raging in his (or her) bloodstream, ready to cut loose with a slap, or worse. But how do you know if someone has testosterone, you're wondering?
It used to be easy to recognize the overt signs of testosterone, most notably by a complete lack of earrings, pony tails, lingerie and 'do rags (formerly known as scarves). But enough about Marv Albert and Dennis Rodman. Nowadays it takes a much keener eye.
Some of the subtler signs and symptoms of testosterone: Refuses to ask for directions, even if lost. Especially if lost. Tendency to drink milk out of the carton with the refrigerator door open. Predilection for eating over the sink. Fierce desire to clutch the remote control. Pointless spitting. Preference for violence over negotiation.
In the absence of testosterone, Shaq and Ostertag would have sat down and discussed their feelings. They would have dialogued. After all, it's not a rivalry, they would decide, it's a relationship. It's not a conflict, but a problem of communication.
They would have called Dr. Laura and worked it out. They would have read self-help books together. They would have hugged.
(Another characteristic of testosterone: You will never find self-help books in his home library. You can forget the library, too.)
Testosterone means you never have to say you're sorry. Shaq was asked if he regretted whacking Ostertag. "Maybe it was wrong and maybe it wasn't wrong," he said. ". . . Do I regret it? I realize maybe I made a mistake, but I'm at peace with myself."
We'll take that as a "no."
Their confrontation was a typical, testosterone-induced argument. It didn't dwell long on preliminaries or dialoguing.
Shaq said, "I don't like the (bleep) you've been saying about me."
To which Ostertag cleverly replied, "I don't like the (bleep) you've been saying about me."
Whhhhack!
Next thing you know, 'Tag is on the floor laying tile.
There is a lot of this testosterone-driven behavior going around lately. Charles Barkley hucked a dwarf through a bar window for throwing ice at him.
After Jim Kelly called Jim Harbaugh a baby, questioning his toughness on TV - a big no-no in the world of testosterone - Harbaugh looked him up for some dialogue and slugged him in the face.
"We settled things," Harbaugh explained, which gives you some insight into the testosterone way of resolving conflict.
When Michael Westbrook had a problem with teammate Stephen Davis, he settled things, too. He beat him like a rug.
Asked if he was sorry, Harbaugh said, "I regret that I have a crack in one of my bones in my hand . . . I regret throwing the punch, but I felt I had to do something since my toughness was being questioned."
We'll take that as another "no."
Being "tough" is a big deal where testosterone is concerned. Maturity is optional. Remember the guys who called each other chicken and vowed to get even at recess?
Same guys.
To gain further insight into the testosterone-impaired mind, remember Tyson's Excuse of the Week for biting Evander Holyfield's ears: "I forgot he was a human being."
He thought he was a giant head of lettuce.
For some reason, professional sports leagues have chosen to go easy on the above acts of testosterone. Shaq was given a one-game suspension. Barkley was assigned babysitters. Westbrook was fined $50,000. Harbaugh wasn't given any formal punishment.
When league officials were asked about this, their answer was predictable: testosterone.