If nothing else, Americans are renowned for being entrepreneurs and for being plump. Hey, at least I'm the fatter, er, latter.
That combination - fat capitalists - has resulted in a bevy of bizarre diet creations that have somehow left millions of Americans lighter only in the wallet. And, it seems, I have tried and failed at most of these diets. Don't worry, I'll spare you of the not-so-pleasant details of my "cabbage soup diet" adventures.But now I've caught the true American spirit - you know, "If you can't lose weight their way, make up your own diet." And in my last column, I briefly introduced my brilliant new idea for losing weight. I know it doesn't seem possible, considering there are approximately 3.1 gajillion diets out there, but my "Beard Diet" could catch on quick. It's certainly growing on me, so to speak.
Here are the hairy, uh-hum, details of my new diet: Until I lose 50 pounds, I'm not going to shave or get my hair cut. I'm not even going to trim my beard, though I do reserve the right to trim any unsightly earlobe hairs.
The theory of my Beard Diet is this: As the coarse facial hair gets thicker, I get thinner.
I do not recommend this method of dieting for women.
I hate growing a beard. It itches, hairs grow backward thus resulting in a great deal of pain, and my little niece is scared of me because "Uncle Jody has bugs on his face." Since I want to get rid of the beard and the weight, I figure this is a no-fail situation. Look for me in an infomercial near you soon.
At the very least, if I get sick of my beard in a couple of months - which I already am, by the way - I can lose a quick five or 10 pounds by cutting it off.
The beard and the diet did fairly well in October. I dropped six pounds, bringing me back down to 71 total poundage lost since Jan. 2. I might have lost more, but scratching my neck was about the only exercise I got the whole month.
I actually did make a return to the gym last month. My 20 minutes on the treadmill was painful and could only be considered a success if you're a shin-splint advocate.
My biggest mistake was trying to lift weights with some friends in our little gym here at the Deseret News. Somebody won a contest by naming the workout area The Wellness Bureau. They should return their prize now. I was anything but well after pumping some iron - although very little of it - for an hour or so.
My muscles tightened up so much after that experience that I could not move my arms for nearly three days. That I am typing this column right now is almost a miracle. I was nearly the first-ever sports writer to be put on the injured reserve list.
But being the resourceful eater that I am, I still managed to overnourish myself and somehow gain weight without the use of my limbs in that time period.
Now that it is November, I am going to try to accomplish something that's never been done by a human before - lose weight during the holiday season. And, hopefully, I'll soon not have a beard to prove that I did.