In a Pickles cartoon, Pickles's daughter is saying to her son, "OK, Nelson. Let's run through this one more time. Who am I?" "My mom?" he asks. "Yes," his mother affirms and then further questions her son: "And that means what?" "It means you risked your life to bring me into this world," he responds.
"That's right. And. . . ?" she further prompts her son (who subsequently gives the only right answer): ". . . and therefore I owe you my undying obedience and devotion as long as there's a breath of life in my body." "Very good!" exclaims his mother.Well, we all know mother-child relationships don't happen exactly that way.
Kids in this life are about their own business, complicating the lives of mothers (who, incidentally, wouldn't be without their children); but, we have to admit, "undying obedience and devotion" doesn't seem to be the first thing on kids' minds (except in a real pinch).
A few glimpses of "moms on the job" may be good for a few laughs and reveal the real - but often unspoken - hazards of the job, so here goes:
One mother speaks to such hazards when she addresses a group: "Sometimes I wonder, `Am I the only nervous mother?' For other mothers who are like this, please say yes! I am trying my hardest and I didn't realize I have said so many times, `You are making me nervous. . . ,' until last night when my little girl said to her 3-year-old brother, `Would you please zip up your mouth - you're making me nervous!' "
Aside from developing "nerves," another hazard mothers face is that they may get angry, over which they may then feel guilty. In one cartoon, a young boy - standing with his scowling face toward the corner of the room - says to his mom: "Do, you know what I think, Mom? It's time for your tranquilizer, Mom, that's what I think."
And, says another young boy as he explains to his father why he's also standing in the corner, "Mom is mad at me because she yelled at me and ruined her afternoon."
And speaking of guilt, how about a thought that has crossed more than one mother's mind: Despite what critics say, it's hard to believe a television program that keeps three children quiet for an hour can be all that bad.
Then there's the fatigue attendant to being a mom, as in an introduction of a new PTA president to a school audience. After reading her long list of credits, the announcer says, "Now, would you please applaud loud enough to wake her up."
And what of the burnout that moms experience? Sometimes these worn-out women have their children all psyched out - they know, for example, that when kids seem to be sleeping, they really aren't - they're just recharging. And, when moms are in burnout, they begin thinking their children are meeting on the front porch, plotting things like, "First you walk across the carpet with mud on your shoes, then I'll drop my punch on the kitchen floor, then you hide her keys. . . ."
This depleted woman can even visualize being stopped by a policeman when she's on chauffeuring duty and can hear his voice ringing in her ears: "That's pretty serious . . . driving under the influence of four screaming children."
Then we can talk about the mother whose three children asked her what she'd like for her birthday. The answer? "Three well-behaved children." "Wonderful," declared the smallest. "Then there'll be six of us."
Of course - for some mothers - there is a partial reprieve. Says one author: "September is when millions of bright, shining, happy, laughing faces turn toward school. They belong to mothers."
And how about another job hazard - the stress of trying to teach lessons to kids, as in the instance of a mom who scolded her 7-year-old son for not taking care of his pet rats. Finally - after weeks of asking - came the ultimatum: Feed the rats or give them to someone else. Convinced his mother was serious, the son disappeared only to return with a note, elaborately decorated with drawings and addressed to his mom: "Dear, Mom," the note read, "The rats are yours. Love, Johnny."
Or the lesson a mother tried to teach when she and her son passed a boy - foot in a cast - hobbling along on crutches. Said the mother to her son after the two were beyond earshot, "Now! See what happened when he tried to Rollerblade on top of his toy box."
Sometimes kids don't want to learn lessons, as in the instance of a mother who offered her son an ice cream cone for which he had asked. "Now what do we say?" asked his mom. "NOW!" came the answer.
Of course, there's always the curve of kids' perceiving things through a different pair of lenses from those of their moms, which was evident when one mother asked her child to change his shirt - a shirt splashed with streaks of catsup, different flavors of popsicles, smears of chocolate candy and the usual grit and grime that comes from tough wear.
But, protested her son, referring to his work of "art": "It's my whole day!"
Of course, we can't exclude from our discussion those veteran mothers - the grandmothers and great-grandmothers of this world who are always trying to help multiple levels of kids stay on track. One exasperated great-grandmother, however, admits her efforts don't always work. She always prays for her three generations of "kids," she reports. "But," she says in a perplexed tone, "I just get them out of one mess and into another."
And, despite their evident maturity, sometimes these veteran moms don't even get the respect of a listening audience, as in the instance of one grandmother who told her less-than-interested granddaughter, "If I'd worn a bathing suit like that when I was your age, you'd be three years older than you are right now."
Erma Bombeck paid tribute to every mom - veteran or otherwise - when she gave perspective to both the hazards and the toughness of any mom's job: "The easiest part of being a mother is giving birth. The hardest part is showing up for it each day."
Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there!