At his home in Spanish Fork, Roger Reid sometimes wakes up in the dead of the night, hoping the past few months were merely a bad dream.
To his dismay, and disbelief, he realizes this nightmare is one he must live with.What is life like for Reid now? "A regular day is tough," Reid admitted recently. "You can't just take a passion like that off your mind."
That passion is coaching basketball. Eight days before Christmas, BYU fired him from his dream job as the Cougars' head coach, a position he held for a little more than seven seasons. Prior to that, he served as an assistant for 11 years.
During that time, his teams compiled 152 victories - second only to the legendary Stan Watts - won three WAC championships, two WAC tournament titles and made five NCAA tournament appearances.
During that time, he endured grueling pain caused by arthritic hips. Reid underwent double-hip replacement surgery, which made it a little easier to lug his tired body through airports on recruiting trips and pace the sidelines through long seasons.
As a coach, he hid his physical pain remarkably well. Now that he's out of coaching, the emotional pain isn't as easy to disguise.
In the past five months, he's felt betrayed, disillusioned and discouraged, and still does. "The first month was just depressing. It's been tough for me to get over this," he explained sullenly. "Getting my life back in order hasn't been easy. It takes time to recover."
Since his firing, he hasn't been to the Provo campus where he had worked for 18 years. "It hurts too much," he said.
So what does a man do when they take away his whistle, his players, his life? What does a man who has spent the better part of his years trying to figure out how to beat Utah, New Mexico and UTEP do when he still yearns to coach? What does a driven man with ambitious goals do now that he has all sorts of time on his hands?
Well, he's been doing a lot of reading, and doing things he never had time to do before, like tinkering in the yard. "My wife's taught me how to mow the lawn," he said. "I've become a Mr. Green Thumb."
He also attends the baseball games of his youngest son, Darren, a junior at Spanish Fork High. He finds time to exercise, too.
And he's preparing for a new undertaking, that of author. Spurred by his pent-up feelings and trying experiences, Reid said he'd like to write books, about basketball and about himself. So, Roger, what would you call your autobiography? " `To Get Fired While You're Successful,' " he says, half-joking.
Measuring success in coaching is usually done by the yardstick of wins and losses. Reid had plenty of wins. Yet in his mind, his biggest successes included sending players on missions and watching his players excel in the classroom.
His son Robbie is finishing up a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to Greece. And he's proud of his other son, Randy, who has been accepted at Harvard, and is working for the prestigious investment banking firm of Goldman-Sachs in New York City.
But in many minds, Roger Reid will always be remembered for his controversial decisions, like having his sons play for him, and his controversial remarks, such as the ones he allegedly made to high school recruit Chris Burgess last fall.
Reid turns 50 in August. The competitive fire continues to burn within him, although not enough to start over at the bottom of the rung as an assistant. He believes he can still coach and that he still has a lot of wins left in him.
"I felt like I was at the top of my game when they fired me," he said. Will someone give him another chance?
A number of high-profile friends have offered to help him find a coaching job, including Jazz president Frank Layden, New York Knicks president Dave Checketts and Utah coach Rick Majerus, who once was a fierce rival but has become an unlikely ally.
Thus far, aside from inquiring about the recent Ohio State opening, Reid hasn't put so much effort into pursuing other opportunities.
Not that Roger Reid is officially unemployed. For now, he is still an employee of BYU and is collecting paychecks. When he was fired, BYU told him it would offer him a high-profile job within the athletic department, but nothing has been decided yet.
Vice President R.J. Snow said Reid is on "administrative leave," and considers him a member of the university family. Both Reid and the school are in a wait-and-see mode, depending on Reid's ability to find work in coaching again.
"We want to be as flexible as possible to meet his needs," said Snow. One factor could hinge on Robbie, who has received a release from his scholarship from BYU and could be headed to Utah or elsewhere.
Snow said that because of the awkward circumstances, it is a difficult situation to deal with. "We wish we were farther along the healing path," said Snow. "We want the Reids to feel comfortable here."
For his part, Reid would be willing to accept a position in the athletic department, as long as it is a position in which he feels he can contribute. "I feel like I have a lot to offer," he said.
Snow, meanwhile, is sorry about the unceremonious manner in which the school fired Reid and acknowledges what Reid has done for BYU. "How can you ask more from Roger Reid than what he gave?" he said. "I hope there will come a day when Roger knows he is appreciated here."
Reid is encouraged by the support that has been showered upon him over the past few months. "I've received hundreds of phone calls and letters from people from all over the country," he said. "I am so appreciative of those people."
These days, those are the kinds of victories Roger Reid relishes.