Before her 2-year-old son, Carter, goes to sleep at night, Kendra Hogue flips on his night light, reads two stories and then carefully covers him with three different blankets, one at a time. "Carter calls out the order: The puffy one first, then the one with Humpty Dumpty, then the Indian blanket," says Hogue. "It's the same thing every bedtime, no matter what."
Despite the monotony of the drill, Hogue, who lives in Portland, Ore., repeats it night after night for one simple reason: It works. When living with a toddler, following a routine - from wake-up time to bedtime - benefits everyone. Parents can help their child move from one activity to the next more seamlessly, and children find comfort in the predictability of events. Most families reap the rewards of routine - if parents remain patient, communicative and flexible.Routines provide security for 1- to 3-year-olds, who are going through a period of rapid, and sometimes confusing, growth and learning. "There are so many new abilities coming in line at this age," says Claire B. Kopp, a psychology professor at Claremont Graduate School in California and the author of "Baby Steps: The Whys of Your Child's Behavior in the First Two Years." "Toddlers are just learning to talk and walk and view themselves as separate people. They can be overwhelmed by everything going on around them. Routines give them needed structure and regularity."
Daily rituals also strengthen the bond between parent and child by helping toddlers understand the meaning of trust and cooperation. Andrene Potts of Colorado Springs didn't worry about schedules until her daughter, Sierra, turned 1. "When Sierra was an infant, I just let her eat and sleep when she wanted," says Potts. "But I think she's happier since we set up routines for meals and bedtimes. She doesn't seem to be thinking, `Mom, now what are you doing?' because she knows what's going to happen next." Eighteen-month-old Sierra now reminds her mother when it's time to take a nap or eat a snack.
Routines are most effective when they're tailored to fit the personalities of both parent and child. But some guidelines work for just about any family.
- Begin slowly. Don't make the mistake of thinking that a bedtime ritual started on Monday will magically take hold by Tuesday. Some routines take weeks to begin working, says Kopp, especially if you haven't previously followed any set patterns or are in the midst of a transition, such as going back to work. But don't be discouraged. If you're consistent, most toddlers will learn that nap follows lunch and bath follows dinner. The process may go more easily if you focus on just one step at a time, such as picking up the day's toys together before choosing a bedtime story.
- Communicate with your child. The best way to gain a child's attention and understanding is to explain what you're doing, even if she hasn't begun to talk. Emphasize the same words again and again, says Dr. Alice Sterling Honig, a professor emerita of child development at Syracuse University. Eventually, she says, words such as "bed" or "all done" will take on clear meanings for the child and give her terms she can use to communicate.
"It's amazing how much a toddler can grasp," confirms Potts. "I talk to Sierra about what were going to do, and she seems to follow what I'm saying."
- Offer choices. By the time a toddler reaches the age of 2, it's likely he has developed a strong will of his own, which can make it difficult for him to conform to a schedule set up by someone else. Rather than drawing battle lines in the sandbox, give your child some choices. When you're preparing dinner, for example, let him choose the vegetable and ask him which place mats he'd like to use. "Let the child know you're partners," suggests Dr. Morris Green, a professor of pediatrics at Indiana University School of Medicine. "Asking a toddler for input makes him feel like part of a team."
- Set limits. Although routines should allow parents some flexibility, you need to set the rules and stick with them as closely as possible. Constantly changing a routine or giving a toddler too much control can be confusing. "If she wants to pick out the books she reads at night, that's fine," says Green. "But you're the one who needs to set the bedtime and decide how many stories you will read before lights-out."
- Have fun. Don't make the mistake of confusing routines with regimentation. The goal is to make daily tasks less of a chore and more of an opportunity to share time with your toddler and teach him some valuable life skills. If you just can't bear to read your toddler's favorite bedtime story one more time, but you know she'll stay up until midnight if she doesn't hear it, give yourself a break and try introducing something new.
Remember, too, that most routines have to be fine-tuned periodically to meet the needs of your ever-changing toddler. The very week Hogue's son turned 2, he began climbing out of his crib every night, requiring a new bed and a slightly different nighttime ritual. And she suspects that now he's approaching 3, Carter's bedtimes may undergo yet another shift. Still, says Hogue, devising a new routine is better than having none at all.
Most child-development experts agree. "While the specifics of a routine may change, the need for one doesn't," says Kopp. "Children never really outgrow the desire for structure and security in their lives."