AS THE JAZZ AWAIT the next round of the playoffs, this may not be a bad time to get some things out in the open. You know, let the next opponent know exactly what it's up against.
The Los Angeles Lakers, evil twin of the bumbling, benign Los Angeles Clippers, learned something over the last two weeks: You don't really want to play the Jazz in the playoffs. Because when you're playing the Jazz, not only are you playing Malone and Stockton, Hornacek and Russell, you're also playing a wacky guy under the basket with a saxophone. And a Bear that rides a mountain bike down the stairs and leaps through a flaming hoop. And a few thousand elderly women who just might take you out with a handbag full of bricks if you do anything to hurt those nice young men, John Stockton and Karl Malone. And you're playing against a lot of grumpy construction people who have to be to work at 6 a.m. but stayed up until midnight watching the last game.In other words, when you take on the Jazz, you're taking on a whole lot of problems.
This, of course, can be a shock to the unsuspecting. The Lakers hadn't played the Jazz since the 1988 playoffs - long before the Jazz and their fans started taking themselves seriously. Now if you play the Jazz, you have to put up with signs that say things like: "L.A. only has two faults: San Andreas and Shaq." and, "Hit the Road, Shaq!" This is not a nice place to play.
Seattle and Houston have ample experience playing the Jazz in the playoffs. For either, the Utah experience won't be a big surprise. Still, for those who are slow learners, here are 15 do's and don'ts on visiting Salt Lake City:
1. Do feel free to and make fun of the city. Point out the dearth of nightclubs and the fact that finding an all-night deli is like finding the Loch Ness Monster. Call "Utah culture" an oxymoron. But don't make fun of the way John Stockton wears his shorts way up high. In Utah, we like our shorts way up high. All the better to dribble the ball between our legs.
2. Don't shoot at people on the freeways. In Utah, that's still considered impolite. However, if you happen to see someone with a bumper sticker that says, "Vote No on Malone for MVP," do assume it's OK to open fire.
3. Do go ahead and register to vote in our elections. Just don't assume it's a two-party system.
4. Do feel free to become a BYU football fan. But don't plan on watching on LDS conference weekend.
5. Do feel free to ask about the NBA Draft. Don't suggest they take anyone named Jose.
6. Don't call the Mailman a redneck. He's liable to run you over with his pickup truck or let loose his hunting hounds. Worse yet, he may make you talk with him about bass fishing for an hour.
7. Do go ahead and tell the natives they live in a backwoods, one-stoplight cowtown. They won't mind. But don't tell them their basketball team plays dirty. You're liable to find a horse head in your bed.
8. Do feel free to complain about the generic mall shopping and congested freeways. Don't say you wouldn't want to play here. Hell hath no fury like a small market scorned.
9. Do feel free to mispronounce words. For example, it's OK in Utah to say "fark" instead of "fork." And it's OK to say "hunnerd" instead of "hundred" - as in "They fouled Karl a hunnerd times tonight" or "You can stick a fark in the Lakers." But don't say "BY-ron" instead of "BRY-on." It shows your ignorance.
10. Do go ahead and make fun of Utah's big white guys. As one columnist wrote several years ago, "Utah is a place where big white guys go to die." But don't make fun of its little white guys. Not only are there two of them in the starting lineup, but there are almost a million of them living in the state and another 50,000 of them on LDS missions.
11. Do feel free to ridicule how much time Utahns spend in churches. Don't ridicule how much time they spend watching KJZZ.
12. Do feel free to criticize the mayor, the governor and the legislature. But don't criticize Stockton. You'll have Jerry Sloan on you like a case of hives.
13. Do say nice things about former Ute Luther "Ticky" Burden. Don't don't say nice things about former Jazz center Luther Wright.
14. Do feel free to tell Wilford Brimley he's getting old. Don't tell Stockton and Malone they're getting old. You may be paying for it for years.
15. Lastly, do feel free to make fun of how many kids there are in Utah. Don't mention how many NBA championships there are.