I once met Carlton Varney, the "interior decorator to the stars." After 20 seconds I knew I'd never make it as an interior decorator. I just couldn't say the words "two pumpkin throw pillows" with the passion of a camp preacher.
On the other hand, for just one night during the NBA playoffs, I'd like to have a crack at the Delta Center - really redo the place in my colors and style.Yes, I've actually thought about this.
First, I'd hang a billboard over the main entry in Jazz colors.
The billboard would read:
Utah! The Green Bay of Basketball!
And just in case basketball fans had forgotten all the down-home, Middle American values embodied by the Green Bay Packers football team, I'd have a picture of The Bear on the sign wearing a giant cheese head.
Inside the arena, for the L.A. Lakers series at least, I'd have an electric sign that would flash every time Karl Malone nailed a slam dunk. The sign would read:
Showtime!
That was the Lakers' "catch phrase" back when they had players who actually preferred a good fast break to a good breakfast. Flashing the sign would be a "facial" for Shaq, Magic and all those other "glitter guys" who wear some other man's name on their underwear.
But where I'd really shine would be seen in the accessories.
Utah is a blue-collar team - a team of, by and for working men and women.
Jerry Sloan wears a baseball cap and drives a tractor.
Karl Malone wears a baseball cap and drives a truck.
John Stockton wears a baseball cap and plays baseball.
And let's face it. After "millionaire car dealer," Larry Miller's favorite job would be driving the ice-scraping machine at hockey games.
So, instead of pumpkin throw pillows, I'd fill the Delta Center with hard hats.
Hard hats painted in Jazz colors.
Hard hats painted like basketballs.
I'd have lunch pails in Jazz colors covered with the slogans "Men at Work," "Hard Hat Area" and "Demolition Zone."
During time outs, I'd pipe old Merle Haggard and Johnny Paycheck classics through the speaker system ("Fightin' Side of Me," "Workin' Man Blues," "Rainbow Stew").
Fans wearing blue denim shirts would get $3 off their ticket price.
And at the door (wait for this . . .) I'd pass out posters of the Jazz team dressed as a construction crew. Adam Keefe would be on a backhoe. Antoine Carr would have his hand on the plunger of a detonator.
In the background would be a building about ready to come down.
On the side of the building would be the logos of all the other NBA teams.
Antoine Carr would be laughing.
No, I'd go one better than that: Jerry Sloan would be laughing.
Jerry Sloan would be slapping his knee and laughing.
It's all in my mind's eye as I write this. I doubt Carlton Varney would go for it. (The color schemes wouldn't be right - not enough paprika rugs and avocado towels to suit his taste.) On the other hand I, for one, wouldn't mind living in a place like that at all.