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I resolve in ’98 never to . . .

SHARE I resolve in ’98 never to . . .

THE HOLIDAYS ARE over and it's a new year, which can mean only one thing: I weigh 15 pounds more than I did two weeks ago. OK, it means two things: It's time to make a long list of resolutions.

The great part about resolutions is you can put them down in a neat row and it looks like you intend to keep them. To show how serious I am, I've decided to share my resolutions. If I don't keep them, you can e-mail me next year about it. Until then, I'm thinking big.This year I resolve to:

- Never again quote a coach saying "We just have to take them one game at a time." I have it on good authority that's why Latrell Sprewell snapped. He was sulking over a bad game and P.J. Carlesimo said something like, "Well, Spre, just try to take 'em one game at a time."

If you ask me, P.J. got what he deserved.

- Never again watch the Denver Nuggets. Not in person. Not on tape. Not on NBA.com. Not in my imagination. As far as I'm concerned, the Nuggets are so bad they don't exist anymore, just like "The Mod Squad."

- Never again attend WCW Monday Nitro. I did it in 1997 thinking I would get a good column. Instead I ended up sitting by people wearing Marilyn Manson shirts and shouting obscenities. I'd rather be caught at a tractor pull, in bib overalls, than seen again at pro wrestling.

- Never again make fun of the BYU basketball team. By the way, did you hear the one about why BYU players count to 10 before shooting? Uh-oh. I almost ruined it already.

- Never again confuse the Humanitarian Bowl with the United Way and pledge $25 a month.

- Never again go to a Japanese restaurant and order the Hideki Irabu.

- Never again confuse 275-pound running back Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala with a Home Depot.

- Never again predict, on TV, the Jazz will win 75 percent of their games with John Stockton out. It really doesn't show a lack of judgment, just a lack of math skills.

- Never again try to extract a quote from Eddie Murray. I did that last summer when the future Hall of Famer was in Salt Lake, and he looked at me like I was a relief pitcher.

- Never again spell Nick Van Exel with a "c." I have spelled it "Van Excel" enough times to confuse even him.

- Never again ask Jerry Sloan how things are going after he just finished talking with Greg Ostertag.

- Never again try to spell Shareef Abdur-Rahim when I'm on deadline.

- Never again play Nerf Ball while driving.

- Never share a pizza with Rick Majerus.

- Never even THINK Chris Morris is going to help the Jazz.

- Never wear a tie with mustard stains to a Jazz game, unless of course it's Grey Poupon.

At the same time, I resolve to:

- Treat LaVell Edwards nicer. The rivalry needs him around.

- Watch a workout video five times a week.

- Wash my Jeep once a week, or at least have the dog lick off the hub caps.

- See more hockey - once they fix that parking problem at the E Center.

- Forget Marv Albert and I both describe ourselves as sports journalists.

- Find out what an "elliptical" workout machine actually does.

- Find out what a Triple Lutz is.

- Find out what illegal defense is.

- Give major league baseball a chance.

- Give boxing a chance.

- Give synchronized swimming a . . . never mind.

So there you have it; my resolutions for 1998. I'm planning on keeping every one of them. I just need to take them one at a time.