It's December. Already. Your neighbor has put up his Christmas lights. All ten thousand of them. Including the new icicle lights. Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" is once again a crossover hit. Salvation Army bells are ringing. The Utes aren't going to a bowl. And you're sitting there without any gift ideas.
Take heart. Here, free of charge, is a list of gifts bound to please anyone. Trust me, nobody will be taking these back.For $7.99, I bought a copy of the Robb Report, the monthly magazine "for the luxurious lifestyle" that every December produces an "Ultimate Gift Guide."
Strolling through the Ultimate Gift Guide is like walking down Rodeo Drive or midtown Fifth Avenue, but you're not out the airfare.
Suddenly, you realize there are things you, or the people on your list, are going to have a hard time living without.
Like the Alfa Romeo P3 Monoposto, "the first genuine single-seat racing car" for $3.2 million; or the two-week motorcycle trip through the European Alps on a BMW K1200LT for $42,195 (and you keep the bike); or the week at Princess Margaret's six-bedroom villa on the privately owned Caribbean island of Mustique that includes airfare from New York, a set of Fendi luggage and a chef and butler for $109,000.
One "ultimate gift" that caught my eye was the trip to Palm Beach, Fla., to stay at The Breakers Hotel, play golf with a PGA pro, and come home with 31 natural fancy yellow diamonds weighing 69 carats . . . all for a special Robb Report price of $1,050,000.
The idea, apparently -- and I know this may come off as sexist -- is that if you buy a 69-carat diamond gift for someone special, you are then free to play golf anywhere and with anyone you want.
I called Greenleaf & Crosby, the jewelers selling the gems. "I'm interested in your sparkling romance gift," I said.
Inez, the store manager, was very helpful. "You understand, of course, that the layout is not mounted," she said. "In other words if you wanted a necklace instead of a bracelet, you could do that, or whatever you choose. It's just a remarkable color. Beautiful, beautiful stones."
I asked Inez when I could make the trip to select my layout and, you know, play golf with the PGA pro. "Oh anytime you wish," she said. "Although I live here and I'd personally recommend staying away from July through September."
The amazing thing about shopping for ultimate gifts is how often you still get put on hold.
For example, I called on the "masterpiece pools" item, where you can buy a genuine Caribbean reef glass sculpture for the bottom of your pool or hot tub from noted glass sculpturist Dale Chihuly for "from $350,000 to $500,000."
"Chihuly Enterprises, can I help you?" a voice answered.
"Yes," I said, "I'm interested in the Caribbean reef . . . "
"Can you hold for a moment?"
For five full minutes, nothing but Buddy Holly singing "That'll be the Day."
Maybe they traced the call.
Then I called Vintage Rallies Inc. for information on the "Private Road Rally" package -- my personal favorite ultimate gift, featuring "a customized European road rally for 12, starting in England at Lady Astor's Cliveden estate on the Thames -- where participants take their choice of Mercedes, Ferraris, Aston Martins and other vintage cars -- then speeding through the Chunnel and on to Monaco." To get to England, one flies on the Concorde and then, after the rally, sails home on the QE2 -- with one's auto. All for only $2.5 million.
"Hi there, you've reached Rich and Jean Taylor," said the message machine. "If you're calling about one of our road rallies, leave your name and number . . . "
$2.5 million! And nobody to answer the phone! Probably when one gets to Cliveden estate, there won't be any Aston Martins, either, and Lady Astor will phone for security.
Lee Benson accepts faxes at 801-237-2527 and e-mail at (lbenson@desnews.com). His column runs Monday, Wednesday and Friday.