Are you still listening to love songs alone? Do you look around restaurants and wonder why there are so many couples -- and you're not part of one of them?
Finding love at any age is not a simple matter, but as the years go by the supply of available partners diminishes along with our hopes of finding the right someone. In desperation, some men and women reach for what they think may be their last chance at love, but what even the unmarried know is that love and marriage (despite that great song) don't necessarily go hand in hand.Friendships that fulfill many of love's promises -- companionship, mutual interests, sharing and caring -- can go a long way toward making life feel full. It is not only the promise of sexual satisfaction that love offers; many of us who are over 40 and single know that love is not only about a physical relationship. It is always about compassion and a sense of belonging.
To have friends of both sexes is to have a life of love. And we all know that if we really want to marry, we will find a way to make that happen. The writer of today's first letter gives a firsthand report on marriage after 40.
Dear Lois: I think that those over 40 who have never even come close to marrying should face the fact that they are unmarried out of choice. It may be hard for them to see, but more than likely they have unrealistic expectations or really do not wish to be intimate with someone else.
All my unmarried female friends over 40 are either (1) too fat, (2) think only Mel Gibson will do, (3) are terminally set in their ways or (4) have elevated sarcasm to new levels. I realized that when I was 35 my behavior was going to lead me to a lifetime alone. I chose to change through heavy-duty, rigorous, expensive therapy. My reward? A man who is my cosmic click.
I am attractive but no beauty and still outspoken but no longer cruel. My advice to unmarried women who want to marry: Do not insist on men who are older, taller and richer than you are. Look for a good heart and a good soul. -- Kathe R. Moore
Dear Kathe: In our sexist society, I'd like to extend your advice to men as well. If men can look beyond women's physical measurements, they'd probably be amazed to see the ways some women measure up to man's wildest dreams.
Dear Lois: When a grandmother wrote to complain about her grandchildren's bad manners (a result, she thinks, of her daughter-in-law's working), you said she should stop complaining and educate the children herself. That's OK, but I am appalled at the myopic point of view. Neither you nor Granny mentioned her son, the father of her children.
Shame on the two of you for not pulling your heads out of the cave of archaic thinking. Men are more than sperm donors and should be held accountable for their offspring. A grandfather's role is important also and should not be overlooked. However, no influence is so profound as that of the mother and the father. -- Disgusted With Finger-Pointing
Dear Disgusted: I get it! The finger points at me, and I'm guilty. OK, all you football-watching fathers, all you guys holding two jobs to keep one household together, all you dads who think kids are pals, here are your marching orders. Get off the sofa and teach those children what they need to know, everything from how to hold a fork to how to hold a door when an older person is with them. By the way, you're not the only reader who wrote to remind me I was not an equal opportunity adviser.
Dear Lois: I am a grandmother of four . . . we are absentee grandparents. It is very hard. Recently we acquired a computer. It was the greatest decision we made. Now we can e-mail and chat with our children every day if we want. We are semi-retired; my husband sells insurance, and I restore and paint statues. I believe all children should appreciate grandparents, and there should be a balance. -- Selma
Dear Selma: The computer is to this generation of grandparents what television was to the last. Computers bring not only the world, but the family as well, into our homes whenever we want. The greatest growth in the computer market, by the way, is among women over 50. No more giggly grannies who say, "Oh, computers are for kids." We get it; we do it; we love it.
Want to ask a question, comment on a letter or share a story about a grandchild? Write to WYSE WORDS, 22 W. 23rd St., New York, NY 10010 or e-mail loisw@thirdage.com.