AUSTIN, Texas -- I'm starting a political action group to get rid of humorless people who can't take a joke.
The name of the organization is Good Riddance to Unrelentingly Morose People (GRUMP).Our logo will be the face of a grumbly person behind the international "no" sign. We will have T-shirts, hats and bumper stickers.
If you want to join, please e-mail me or call at the address and phone number printed at the bottom of this column.
GRUMP's goal is to eliminate the humorless by holding them down and tickling them until they stop whining. Or sentencing them to an evening at a comedy club.
Heaven knows there are enough of these out-of-sorts people around who need chuckle therapy. I hear from them almost daily. This is no laughing matter.
For example, a week ago Friday, I had a column poking fun at a study conducted by a geography instructor at Texas A&M to find out how hot the massive six-story Aggie Bonfire gets.
In the column, I pointed out that the only practical application for this research would be to find how long a stick you'd need to toast a marshmallow on the side of a burning high-rise.
This bulletin just in: I WAS JUST KIDDING.
But the column drew a nasty e-mail from someone identifying himself as a Ph.D. with an oncology department in Europe.
"In reading your article, I wonder if you know the first thing about science. Or humor for that matter," this person wrote. "I would be willing to bet you were the type of person who sat in a science class in grade school, and frustrated with the basic concepts your teachers were trying to impress upon you, turned your attentions to crack a joke about the obese boy in the front of the class . . . ."
Oncology is the branch of medicine dealing with tumors. So I e-mailed the letter writer and asked, "Did you say humor or tumor?"
He probably didn't think that was funny, either.
You can tell when you're dealing with the chronically humorless because they leave clues. One strong clue is the claim by the writer that he has a great sense of humor. It's just that your attempts at levity were so off-base that this time he didn't join in the frivolity.
So it was no surprise when the writer said in his letter, "As far as humor goes, while I might not be a stand-up comedian, I can laugh and joke with the best of them."
What this usually means is that the person's lips crack when he smiles. Humorless people live in a state of denial.
Another trait humorless people share is the claim that everyone sees it their way.
Early this month, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek column saying that since the government provides habitat for endangered species such as the golden-cheeked warbler, shouldn't it do the same for the endangered Texas Yellow Dog Democrat? This brought a testy e-mail retort from D.E. Kissman of Austin. Kissman was upset because my column had "stepped over the line" by classifying "Texas Yellow Dog Democrats with ANIMALS."
"Mr. John Kelso's letter of November 6, in reference to . . . Texas Yellow Dog Democrats, is an insult to all loyal Texas Democrats," Kissman wrote.
All? I'm waiting to hear from another Yellow Dog Democrat who was insulted. When I do, GRUMP will recommend two aspirin, and three hours of sucking the helium out of party balloons and talking funny.
John Kelso writes for the Austin American-Statesman, Austin, Texas. He may be reached by e-mail at jkelso@statesman.com New York Times News Service