Last week I told you about how my teenage sons went to the grocery store, where they got mixed up and forgot to buy the stuff on the list I'd sent with them. Instead, they came home with "bundles of personal grooming items flung on their backs!" Which caused them to look like "peddlers just opening their packs!"
OK, I tried to be philosophical about the fact that my kids basically wadded up my shopping list and banked it into the garbage can on their way to the grocery store. I tried to make a little joke out of the whole episode. I even wrote a column about it. HA! HA! HA! In truth, however I've been a bitter woman this past week. I may not follow my own stupid lists, but I darn well expect other people to follow them, especially now that it is Christmastime and we all have a lot to do.DO I MAKE MYSELF ABSOLUTELY CLEAR?
At the same time, I am a realist, and I've learned over the years that it is better not to set yourself and other people up for failure. This is why, whenever you make a new year's resolution, you should resolve to do something you are good at such as a) overeating or b) running up your VISA bill.
Likewise, it is a good idea to assign only those tasks you know the people in your life will actually complete. I've been trying to keep this idea in mind as I've been making up the following "To Do" lists for the upcoming holidays. In the spirit of the season, I pass them along to you absolutely free of charge.
CHRISTMAS 'TO DO' LIST FOR BABIES
1. Pull the bows off all the presents.
2. Stick them on the side of your head.
CHRISTMAS 'TO DO' LIST FOR OLDER CHILDREN
1. Whenever your parents ask you what you want for Christmas, always tell them the exact same thing over and over.
2. Change your mind at 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
CHRISTMAS 'TO DO' LIST FOR DOGS
1. Find garbage.
2. Eat garbage.
3. Expect to be praised for finding and eating garbage.
CHRISTMAS 'TO DO' LIST FOR CATS
1. Jump up on the kitchen counter.
2. Look for holiday turkey thighs.
3. Do not listen to anybody who tells you in a rude voice to get off the kitchen counter.
4. Remember that everybody who lives at your house, except for you, is an idiot.
CHRISTMAS 'TO DO' LIST FOR GERBILS
1. Continue to do nothing in your cage except sleep and smell bad so that we can continue to wonder why we thought you would be fun pets in the first place.
CHRISTMAS 'TO DO' LIST FOR MOMS
1. Write, seal, address, stamp and mail all family Christmas cards.
2. Bake.
3. Buy and wrap presents for kids.
4. Buy and wrap presents for your friends.
5. Buy and wrap presents for his friends.
6. Buy and wrap a present for your secretary.
7. Buy and wrap a present for his secretary.
8. Buy and wrap a present for your mother.
9. Buy and wrap a present for his mother.
10. Begin to wonder what is sick and wrong with this picture.
CHRISTMAS 'TO DO' LIST FOR DADS
1. Wait until Christmas Eve, which is when you realize that although your wife bought everything else, she probably forgot to buy a present for you to give her.
2. Tread to the nearest department store, the stench of panic and fear upon you.
3. Join the "madding crowd" of other wild-eyed, desperate men brawling for a place in the line at the perfume bar.
4. Begin to wonder how you will ever begin to deal with the stress and pressure of another holiday season.
See? Planning for the holidays is (to coin a new phrase) "a piece of cake." Once you know how.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!