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Computers all aflutter with mighty interesting e-mail

This is the latest e-mail that has shown up on my computer.

From: Vernon JordanTo: Monica Lewinsky

Good news. I have managed to wangle a job for you with the North Slope Alaska Pipeline Co., headquarters in Nome. It's something no intern should pass up. Call me.

To: Linda Tripp

From: Zither Wiretap, Inc.

We have just received a new Sony digital tape recording system that we think would be right up your alley. By hiding the mike in your hair, you can record your best friend at 50 feet and pick up instructions from a special prosecutor at the same time. No one in your business should be without one.

From: Cable Wrestling

To: William Ginsberg

We notice that you have appeared on every TV show in the world except for Cable Wrestling. We would like to feature you in a match with Madman Killjoy. It would be a no-holds-barred contest, and the purse would go to Monica's defense fund.

From: Ace Zimblatt, Sports Editor

To: Tara Lipinski

Sorry I got you mixed up in my story on Monica Lewinsky. I realized afterward that you had never skated in the Oval Office, nor have you ever been given a gold medal to shut you up.

From: Ace Zimblatt, Sports Editor

To: Monica Lewinsky

By accident we inadvertently got you mixed up with the Olympic gold medal winner Tara Lipinski. We are well aware that you have never skated in Nagano, although you did say on Miss Tripp's tapes that ever since you were a child you wanted to be another Tonya Harding. We're making the correction in our Staten Island edition, as our lawyers advise us it is libelous to call someone a figure skating champion when she is, in effect, a White House hockey player.

From: Ken Starr

To: Whom It May Concern

Enclosed please find a subpoena demanding that you appear in front of the grand jury to testify whom you saw go in and out of President Clinton's office. A quick response is requested as I am trying to wind up my White-water investigation by the year 2005.

Los Angeles Times Syndicate