Let's say a guy wearing a ball cap walks into a bar, plunks down his quarter on the pool table and waits his turn to play. A second fellow comes in and sets down his quarter - ahead of the other.
The guy in the cap starts to boil."Move that quarter," he bellows, "if you don't want your (expletive) face smashed in."
A fight breaks out. The cops show up. Luckily, no one pulled a gun.
These guys would be good candidates for anger-control counseling. If there were a court case, a judge might require it.
Famous - and infamous - names are bringing anger counseling into the spotlight.
Rocker Tommy Lee was sentenced to anger counseling after pleading no contest to beating a photographer. And the parents of Oregon school shooting suspect Kip Kinkel had enrolled him in anger control classes but not soon enough: His violent outburst allegedly killed them and two classmates.
While most of us aren't likely to go that far, every day we get angry: at bosses, co-workers, employees, other drivers, our spouses, our children.
Counselors in the 1960s and '70s used to tell people to vent their anger, and that anger created pressure that needed to be released, said David Kupfer, a clinical psychologist in Falls Church, Va., who specializes in anger control. Subsequent research has shown that people who "get it off their chest" vociferously actually feel worse. Constant complaining or sulking also indulges anger rather than solves anything, Kupfer pointed out.
Now anger-management education helps people alter perceptions and change behaviors. Often enough, counselors say, our anger stems from an overblown interpretation of events. Or, we express justifiable anger in a way that, over time, wrecks relationships and makes life miserable.
One of the first strategies of anger control is to become aware of the physiology of anger, said Kirk McClelland, clinical social worker at CenterPoint Counseling and Recovery in Kansas City. He just completed a two-year domestic violence program with men.
Once the men learn the physical cues of anger - tightening of the jaw and chest, increased heart rate and respiration - they can override them cognitively, McClelland said. They can force themselves to stop, step back and take a time out to cool down.
That simple strategy can keep violence from occurring, said McClelland, but then clients must work on the roots of their anger. Many in the program were working-class men who felt inadequate and unsuccessful and didn't see how to change their situations, he added.
George Ronan, a clinical psychologist in Mount Pleasant, Mich., targets anger in his violence reduction program at Central Michigan University. Clients often arrive thinking that anger and aggression are the best options to maintain control of their situations and other people, Ronan said.
But their anger actually allows others to control them. A person who loses his cool can be manipulated, Ronan said. Others can push their buttons - like the pool player who wanted to have a fun Friday night but ended up in jail. Similarly, angry spouses, bosses and workers find their real goals - a nice weekend, a completed project - sidelined by hostility.
"Hostility is our way of saying, `You're not going to get away with mistreating me this way,' " said Richard Driscoll, a clinical psychologist in Knoxville, Tenn., who advises couples on anger management.
Some of the most devastating episodes happen at home, between husbands and wives. Driscoll spends a lot of time in his practice teaching partners how to understand and express their anger.
One of the biggest mistakes partners make is to throw blanket accusations at each other, he said, such as, "You never listen to me," or, "You never want to have sex."
Driscoll said people can manage their anger in several ways: by changing how they talk about their grievances, by changing their interpretation of events and by changing their behavior.
He teaches spouses not to say, "You never listen to me," rather, "I know you're tired after a long day, but I'm lost right now and I need your attention."