I'm not going to tell you who dies on the season finale of "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine."
And a big ol' JEERS to TV Guide and anyone else who might have already done so.OK, it's not the biggest secret in the world. If you're an even semi-obsessed fan, you've probably already figured it out, and you won't be shocked when the episode airs today at 6 on KSTU-Ch. 13.
But that's no excuse for premature disclosure. Half the fun in any television series is surprise, and heaven knows there's little enough of that in most TV shows.
So JEERS and JEERS again to TV Guide, whose June 20-26 edition - which arrived at subscribers' homes last Monday, the first day the episode began airing in some TV markets - includes a story about the actor whose character bites the dust. If you didn't want to know and just happened to be flipping pages, there it was.
That's a betrayal of viewers and subscribers, and TV Guide should be ashamed.
Not that anyone at the magazine will be. TV Guide has been doing things like this for years - like when it gave away the "surprise" ending of "St. Elsewhere" a decade ago.
At any rate, today's "Deep Space Nine" involves a Federation counterattack on the Dominion. And that evil, unbalanced Gul Dukat is out for revenge against one of Capt. Sisko's crew.
If you don't already know which crew member, you're lucky. You'll get to enjoy the episode more than those who do.
Surprise!
HOW DISAPPOINTING: On the other hand, I will give away the secret to tonight's big Billy Joel-Elton John concert on HBO.
There isn't going to be one.
Joel has canceled his participation in the rest of the European concert tour he and John were on because he is "suffering from a persistent laryngitis, as well as asthmatic bronchitis," according to HBO.
Thus, no concert.
What a bummer. The one television event (other than the NBA Finals) that I was really looking forward to in the month of June!
BIG BUCKS: On the one hand, you may be taken aback by the fact that "Today Show" co-host Katie Couric is reportedly asking for a 300 percent raise - possibly as much as a a 350 percent raise.
On the other hand, she's reportedly making $2 million a year as co-host of a show that earns NBC as much as $150 million a year. And NBC is paying Geraldo Rivera $6 million a year.
All things considered . . . go for it, Katie!
BAD "VIBE": To no one's surprise, Columbia TriStar has canceled its low-rated, late-night talk show "Vibe." (It will continue on the air with a mixture of old and new episodes through the beginning of September.)
The show has been troubled since it debuted last August. Original host Chris Spencer was himself canceled in October, and the ratings didn't improve when Sinbad took over.
The only possible winner here is "The Magic Hour," which - at the moment - has no competition in late-night syndication. No, it just has to deal with pesky rivals like "The Tonight Show," the "Late Show" and "Late Night."
Of course, if you like "The Magic Hour," you'd better get your fill of the show quick. Not only is the quality bad - and getting worse - but so are the ratings.
BALDWIN BROTHERS GALORE: It will be Baldwin brother-o-rama on CBS next season - the network will air a four-hour miniseries titled "The Harris Brothers" that stars none other than Alec, Daniel, Stephen and Billy as four brothers who seek revenge against a railroad baron who stole their land.
This will mark the first time the four Baldwin boys have appeared together in a project. Perhaps the fact that Alec is the two-part movie's executive producer has something to do with that.
WHY BOTHER? From the Why-Are-They-Doing-That? file - CBS is also planning a four-hour mini-series based on "Ragtime," the E.L. Doctorow book. This, of course, would be the same "Ragtime" that was successfully adapted for the big screen in 1981.
What, exactly is the point of remaking good movies?
STRANGE BUT TRUE: From the TV-is-Weird file: England's Granada Television is threatening to sue America's Carsey-Werner (pro-ducers of series ranging from "Cosby" to "Roseanne" to "3rd Rock from the Sun"). Granada contends that a show Carsey-Werner is developing, "Earth Scum," is too much like a series it produces called "Puny Humans."
I am not making this up.