Computers may not be ready to take over the world yet.
Bless their hard-driving, floppy-disking, little MAC-daddy hearts.Not if my close encounter of the spellchecking kind is any indication.
You know spellchecker. It's your computer gizmoid that's supposed to ensure you don't rig a word wrong.
One drawback: It can be as much of a turncoat as safe house for literary truth seekers.
To put it another way, please don't spend much time rummaging your garage for "russetings" this ski season.
Last week I advised wise readers a hard winter was dead ahead.
"Break out the Rossignols," I said.
Spellchecker changed the ski manufacturer's name to "Russetings."
It made it into the paper, rendering me a bigger babbling idiot than usual -- which is hard to do.
Of course we've got triple redundant copy-editing -- by outstanding pros, if my 35 years scuffling around the business means anything. Last Friday, spellchecker was on a rampage of serial nonsense. It couldn't be killed before it struck again.
It'll spellcheckerboard you like that if you're not careful -- hopscotching the lingual map, leaving bemusement and befuddlement in its wake.
A tour of my colleagues turned up rich spellchecker gems.
Don Baker: "When I write David Plouzek (West Jordan councilman) it changes to Councilman Puzzled."
Jennifer Dobner: "My name goes to Gonophort Downer. Nice huh? It's not like Jennifer wasn't the most common girls' name a few years ago."
Dennis Romboy: "Orrin goes to Aryan."
Lisa Riley-Roche: "Joklik to godlike."
Wendy Ogata: "Off-ramp -- frump."
Tom Hatch: "JonBenet to Juneberry is my favorite. Gorbachev is garbage."
Lois Collins: "DMBA -- dumb."
Vicki McPhail: "WNBA -- wannabees. Chechens -- chickens."
Steve Warren is a spellcheckerboard collector. Some faves:
Sports: Hockey players Alexei Zhitnik to Stinky; Mario Lemieux to Lummox. The NBA's Shaq O'Neal to Sham.
Politics: Indonesian president B.J. Habibie to Haboob. Mao to Mad. Utah legislator Judy Ann Buffmire to Buffoonery. U.S. Rep. Dick Gephardt to Gophers. GOP to GLOP.
Arts and Entertainment: Leo Tolstoy to Toolset. Willem Dafoe to Daffy. Geraldo Rivera to Girlhood.
Miscellaneous: Lovestruck -- livestock. Ya'll -- Yale.
We interrupt our programming for this bulletin just in:
"As reported first on Girlhood, the Buffalo Sabres today traded Alexei Stinky to the Los Angeles Lakers for Sham O'Neal of Ya'll University. Celeb owner Willem Daffy sought to nix the deal, appealing to GLOP presidential candidate Aryan Hatch and Democratic leaders Judy Ann Buffoonery and Dick Gophers."
Think I'll ask Gonophort Downer to expand on the story. She's better than Leo Toolset.
I'd do it myself, but I'm in identity crisis. The computer changed me to Gib "Truman" (not bad, actually, since I hail from Independence, Mo., Harry's town).
Anyway I'm busy looking out for lovestruck livestock. It could be almost as dangerous as spellchecker.
Send e-mail to gtwyman@desnews.com, fax 801-237-2121. Gib Twyman's column runs Saturdays.