The following column is two, two, two columnists in one, all for the same everyday low price because two heads are better than one, even if they belong to Brad Rock and Doug Robinson. Together they will engage in some extremely serious banter about today's big grudge match. We speak, of course, of the big game -- I-15 reconstruction vs. motorists. Go, motorists! Just kidding. The Deseret News has asked (read: forced) Rock 'n Robinson to choose sides for today's Utah-BYU football game by threatening to give them the pro wrestling beat. They do this under protest, knowing that they risk life and limb from fans with contrasting points of view. If you have a violent difference of opinion, they cordially invite you to share it -- with somebody else.
POINT/ROBINSON: Here we are, the last BYU-Utah game of the millennium, and it's still one big happy family around here. I see that BYU has wrapped the Brigham Young and Karl Maeser statues in cellophane and assigned round-the-clock guards to protect the campus from Ute vandals. There's nothing like inviting a bunch of house guests for the weekend and having to nail down the furniture and hide the loose change. Note seen on the Ute internet message board: Sports is War. This is a football game, right? Not Bosnia. At least everybody is keeping this thing in perspective, as usual.
COUNTERPOINT/ROCK: Those statues need some personality. Red eyes would be a big improvement, not to mention an earring. By the way, am I the only one who noticed Brother Brigham's hair needs a trim? He's in violation of the honor code.
POINT/ROCK: I'm picking the Utes to win, right there in the towering shadows of Y Mountain and the BYU offensive line. What's so tough about winning in Provo? The Utes are still 14-12-1 in Happy Valley. In fact, they've won the past three games down there. They haven't just made themselves at home in Provo, they've raided the refrigerator and turned on the TV. I understand the Cougars have a sign outside the stadium this week that says: "Welcome Utes. Mi casa es su casa."
COUNTERPOINT/ROBINSON: They've got another sign there, too, pal. It says, "Bienvenu, Utes! Garde a tes fesse." (Rough translation: Watch your booty, kids.) The world is their campus. Look, the Utes have beaten one team (Air Force) with a winning record. Does BYU look like Louisiana-Monroe to you? Two words, Brad: Boise State. It's the same old erratic Utes, living and dying on emotion. They killed a rally against Boise State by drawing a celebration penalty in the end zone. Heeelllooo! The Utes drew a celebration penalty that helped kill a rally against BYU last season. Nice learning curve. Near the end of last year's BYU game, a Ute player celebrated what he erroneously thought was the game-winning field goal by telling a rival, "We just kicked your butt." Suggestion to Utes: Save the celebration until your team has more points than the other team. If you lose track of the score, there's this thing called a scoreboard. It's got lights. Can't miss it. Here's a crazy idea: Save the celebration until AFTER the game.
POINT/ROBINSON: Rule No. 1 for BYU-Utah series -- Never bring a second-string quarterback to Provo. Do the names Mitch Richmond and Jonathan Crosswhite mean anything to you? Now it's T.D. Croshaw. Tee Dee? Tee hee. Whatever. Second-string quarterback, second-place finish. The Cougars have senior Kevin Feterik, who has passed for more yards than anybody in the conference. Do you know how many times the Utes have beaten the Cougars in the last 25 years when BYU has a senior quarterback running the show? Zilch.
COUNTERPOINT/ROCK: What's all this talk about Kevin Feterik? A year ago BYU's fans were ready to toss him in that Ryan Hancock/Steve Clements/Drew Miller salad. You know, another good quarterback at a school with WAY too many good quarterbacks. Now they're saying it's too bad he didn't get an earlier start on a Heisman campaign. Excuse me, but did I get off at the wrong stop?
Seeing Feterik is fifth on the school's all-time passing list doesn't do much for me. They've been playing the guy since he hit puberty. In the old days, a BYU quarterback was lucky if he got to play for two seasons. Besides, the No. 4 all-time passer is John Walsh. Look where it got him.
POINT/ROCK: BYU has 20 married guys on the team. Cute. That means 20 guys who were up half the night changing diapers and warming milk. A good chunk of the team has a wife saying, "What's more important, family or football?" With the Utes, it ain't even a discussion.
COUNTERPOINT/ROBINSON: Right, and the Utes have some guy named Ernie saying, "Who's the designated driver?" Stereotypes? We can go there.
POINT/ROCK: How you gonna beat them with no running backs? Lucas Staley is iffy with the knee, Fahu Tahi has a bad ankle and Kalani Sitake is out for the year. Too bad their best running back is starring on "Real Sports" instead of the KBYU Monday night replay.
COUNTERPOINT/ROBINSON: Fine. The Cougs need to face facts and know who they are in life. They are Pass U., and if I hear another BYU coach or player say, "We gotta establish the running game," I'm going to reach for an airsick bag. Enough running already. Who are they kidding? Throw the freakin' ball.
POINT/ROBINSON: The Cougars' O-line checks in at 298 pounds on the hoof, per man. That's 1,490 pounds. Their motto: Never eat more than you can carry. They're so heavy they had to weigh them on a truck scale. Let's see the Utes try to get to Feterik through the Berlin Wall. When Feterik has time, it's over.
COUNTERPOINT/ROCK: Hmmm. 1,490 pounds. Wow. Is that before or after the hay is delivered? Sorry, but weight only counts in the Pinewood Derby.
POINT/ROCK: Speaking of running backs, BYU isn't going to have a good day against Mike Anderson. Which do you think is tougher, an ex-Marine or a bunch of returned missionaries? Anderson ought to be able to scare them out of the way with his language.
The last great running back the Cougars faced was Virginia's Thomas Jones, and he went through them like BYU co-eds through a gallon of Peppermint Swirl Surprise. And what about Steve Smith? The only way they're going to keep him out of the end zone is to move it across state lines.
COUNTERPOINT/ROBINSON: Anderson? You mean the Cougars are supposed to be afraid of a guy who played drums in the high school marching band instead of football? What are they going to send at the Cougars next, the woodwinds section? Anderson marched for all of 29 yards against BYU last year.
POINT/ROBINSON: The Cougars will win . . . because they're playing at home, where they have won 10 of their last 11 games, the lone loss coming by four points to Virginia. Utah is no Virginia ... because Rob Morris taunts alligators and jumps off tall buildings for fun, so what are the Utes to him? . . . because Utah flexed its muscles against somebody named Louisiana-Monroe and Boise State while BYU played a big-time non-conference schedule . . . because the Utes will find a way to shoot themselves in the foot, as always . . . because the Cougars can claim their 19th conference championship in 27 years under LaVell Edwards.
COUNTERPOINT/ROCK: In this series, motivation is the single most important factor. What motivation does BYU have? Oh, right, the conference championship and that coveted trip to the Liberty Bowl. Except that the Cougars have been saying since September that they don't want to BE in the Liberty Bowl. On the other hand, the Utes have all the motivation in the world. A win gives them a share of the MWC title and a chance at a bowl. But it also makes sure Coach Mac doesn't get the hook. It's so sad when winning gets boring.