Notes, commentary and a 700-word stream of consciousness, all for the price of one column . . .
. . . Does NBC have to show the Lakers on TV every single weekend?Yes! They've been on Sunday TV more times than Billy Graham. I know the Lakers are popular with the kids -- don't try to understand it -- but aren't there any other teams we can see? I mean, I like chocolate, too, but that doesn't mean that's all I want to eat. There is another audience out there. The one over 18. Just a reminder to NBC: The Lakers -- theme: the team your father hates -- have flamed out in the past two playoffs.
. . . This just in: Rick Majerus is interviewing for the job at Bovine State College today. School officials have offered him the second floor of the local Holiday Inn, a lifetime supply of sweaters and said he doesn't have to wear socks. "It never hurts to listen," said the coach.
. . . Karl Malone was miffed at NBC last week because the network decided to show the Lakers-Hornets game instead of the Jazz-Pistons game. Afterward he vowed, "I'm not going to talk to them. I have nothing more to say to them."
We'll add them to the list. Malone also vowed last summer not to appear on or do interviews with ABC after he was castigated for accidentally crossing a picket line en route to an appearance on a morning talk show. He also once vowed not to talk to KFAN radio because two of the station's broadcasters criticized his play (heaven forbid). And last summer Malone vowed not to talk to the local media for various reasons that still aren't clear. Let's see, NBC and ABC are out, which means there are two down, two to go.
. . . "Hoosiers" was on TV the other day. My son Preston's observation: "Cheerleaders' skirts have gotten shorter, and players' shorts have gotten longer." This was not a complaint, merely an observation.
. . . This just in: Rick Majerus has flown to Cal Pollyanna Tech to interview for the school's head coaching position. School officials are trying to meet the coach's demands: a private airplane, a new arena, a date with Cindy Crawford, and an all-hours, four-star Italian restaurant.
. . . How convenient. First, boxing outrages the sports world by calling the lopsided Holyfield-Lewis fight a draw, then Don King and the gang immediately arrange a rematch and act as if they're just trying to make things right, and if they just happen to rake in another truckload of cash in the process -- oh, well! Fight fans . . . are there any bigger suckers in the world? They should demand a refund for the first fight -- or a free ticket to the rematch. The only way I would watch the rematch is if they held it in my back yard -- and it was free.
. . . But I would like to see a rematch of those spunky IOC geezers that started to square off at the summit a couple of weeks ago in Lausanne. In a scene straight from Grumpy Old Men, Kim Un "Jackie Can" Young, the 67-year-old president of the World Taekwondo Federation, struck a fighting stance at the IOC palace against 61-year-old Francois Carrard. Carrard turned and ran, but later boasted that he could take care of himself because he is in such good shape. Rumor has it that they're going to settle this thing at recess out by the monkey bars.
It's nice to know that the Olympics are being run by mature, intelligent adults.
. . . This just in: There are still three schools left in the country that have not interviewed Rick Majerus -- Greasy State, Friggin College and Booger U.
. . . If you read the newspaper (apparently you do), you might have noticed that Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is suing Utah for using the Greatest Snow on Earth as a registered trademark to promote the ski industry in Utah. They contend that it is confused with their slogan: Greatest Show on Earth. This is true. The other day I showed up at the big top wearing Rossignols and goggles. Very confusing. I skied right into the elephant act.
. . . Georgia Tech is suing the Salt Lake Buzz for using the name "Buzz" -- the name of their mascot. Georgia Tech also is known as the "Rambling Wreck" and the "Yellow Jackets," which means they're trying to lock up three names. Joe Buzas, the Buzz owner, isn't backing down. "Let's go to war," he said. "If it takes 10 years, I'll fight them."
Ten years? Uh, Joe, you're 80 years old.