The big-screen adaptations of the novel "Les Liaisons Dangereuses" have been decent, if not completely fulfilling. But "Cruel Intentions" makes them all look like masterpieces.
This dark comic drama suffers from the "William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet" Syndrome — the notion that to attract teen audiences the story must be "updated" and cast with hot young stars.
But first-time writer-director Roger Kumble has misinterpreted the source material's stinging sense of irony, replacing it it with pure camp in an effort to get cheap laughs. And it will get laughs — just not the way he intended.
Of course, it doesn't help that the film is so darned exploitative. From same-sex relations to drug use to incestuous flirtations, this film has it all. Along with some of the worst performances in recent cinematic history.
Leading the miscast crew is Ryan Phillippe ("54"), as Sebastian Valmont, an uppercrust Manhattan teen with a reputation for sexual conquests. His match in the manipulation category, and the only person who has resisted his charms, is his stepsister, Kathryn Merteuil (Sarah Michelle Gellar).
Knowing his desires, Kathryn proposes a bet — if Sebastian can seduce the chaste Annette Hargrove (Reese Witherspoon, from "Pleasantville") before the start of the next school year, Kathryn will sleep with him. If not, Kathryn gets Sebastian's sports car.
Meanwhile, Kathryn also involves him in her revenge plot against naive debutante Cecile Caldwell (Selma Blair, from TV's "Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane"). But Sebastian shows little interest in either scheme — instead, he finds himself succumbing to the charms of his guileless prey, Annette.
Kumble's story is more faithful to the book than you might expect, but too often he strives for easy laughs and really digs into the seamier side of things.
And though Phillippe is ridiculously stiff and Gellar looks like she's suppressing laughter, their performances actually look better because of Blair, who really overplays the whole naivete thing.
In fact, of the cast members, only Witherspoon fares well, even though her character is underwritten — something that could be said of each and every character.
"Cruel Intentions" is rated R for profanity, use of vulgar slang and crude sexual discussions, simulated sex, violent brawling and a tantrum, male nudity and female partial nudity, and simulated drug use (cocaine).