Three words.
I hated them then.I hate them now.
Back to School.
Back to School sales. Back to School bargains. Back to School specials. Back to School clearance. Back to School days. Back to School deals.
They should all be banned.
Every year it's the same. You're cruising along, enjoying the summer, wearing flip-flops, getting some sun, playing golf until dark, you don't even mind your job that much because, well, because it's summer, and then you open the newspaper or you're watching TV and there it is, the supreme bummer announcement:
Back to School . . .
Brought to you by the same people who ruined Christmas.
Business being business.
Bitter? Of course I'm bitter. And I'm guessing I'm not alone. Summer Vacation deserves a full run, its time in the sun, and it doesn't get it because capitalism starts cutting it down in its very prime.
Who wants to hear "Back to School" when it's still 100 degrees outside and we've barely cleared July?
Four days into August, I walked through the downtown malls.
I thought I was late for biology.
The entrance to the ZCMI Center is draped in a huge banner that says "These Back To School Shoppers Are Getting Great Deals."
Across the street at the Crossroads mall, Mervyn's has its "Back2School 99" sale, a slogan just begging for an English teacher's red pen. Everything on all three levels is on "back to school" sale. Beds, picture frames, lamps, irons, bakeware. Stuff that has nothing to do with school. You could buy the entire store for 25 percent off.
Next to the backpacks, where visions of mountains and hiking trails once stood, Mervyn's has a display of notebooks, pencils and erasers. Is that legal?
Foot Locker and Lady Foot Locker have their own "Back to School" sales featuring 30 percent off on "selected styles," none of which include any styles you would actually consider purchasing.
Of all the commercial campaigns, the most shameless I saw was the double-meaning "Go Back to Class" sale at Payless Shoe Source.
There is a sign next to the "Go Back to Class" banner that says "Now Hiring."
Is that a warning?
At the Copper Rivet's Back to School sale they're offering a "free Lahaina Surf Co. T-shirt" with every $50 purchase.
"Go back to school and look like you're still on summer vacation!" the poster says.
I say, I'm still ON summer vacation!
I know. I got out of school years ago. Back to School does not apply to me personally anymore.
But every time I hear it I still get a strong urge to run away to Huntington Beach before it's too late. I get cold and clammy. I get a nervous twitch.
I don't want to be reminded I need to load up on fleece vests and long-sleeved shirts in August, let alone three-ring binders and rulers.
I hear about all those fires being set in the schools in Los Angeles and I'm thinking, somebody heard "Back to School" one too many times.
The LAPD should narrow their search to people who are either currently in school or have gone to school.
The point is, every summer we all know the end is coming.
June spills into July and July spills into August and August spills into September as sure as the tide crests and then retreats; as sure as Karl Malone asks for more money.
By September the schools are all back in session, along with Congress. Fun time is over.
It's the way it is. We all know that.
So quit reminding us.
Send e-mail to (benson@desnews.com), fax 801-237-2527. Lee Benson's column runs Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday.