Halloween's over. Time to take your little hands out of the candy bags, rewind all those spooky movies and remove that silly wig.

I know, I know . . . there's nothing like dressing up as a freak. But the people at work are probably beginning to stare, and it is November.

You may want to know how all those haunted houses turned out. Well, I don't think I'll ever do that again.

As much fun as it was to scream and jump and have actors breathe in my ears and down my neck, I have to say that I'm probably going to have some traumatic flashbacks for the next while.

My husband, who was so wonderful to go with me to Purgatory, doesn't get the whole fascination with getting your jollies out of being threatened, chased, pinned in a corner and potentially scarred for life. He thinks that spook alleys are kind of sick and twisted, and only the sick and twisted would ever visit them.

Then, he went into detail and described what kind of house he would have . . . if he were the sick-and-twisted type. You might say he's been doing his research.

Here's a list of the kind of things you would find in my emotionally-stable husband's house:

— Structures that you can crawl through, and more Bobcats.

— Less "in-your-face" spooking.

— More gore.

— Small, suffocating mazes that only one person gets through at a time and groups get separated and individuals get lost, with trap doors.

— Shorter lines.

Here's a list of what I would have in my house:

— Aliens in embryo.

— A morgue that you walk through, where body bags bump you in the face (lifted this idea from a haunted house on Church Street in Florida).

— NO MORE CHAIN SAWS — let's do something new.

— A totally dark passageway where you can feel things behind you and hear little children's voices all around you, but you can't see at all, and a guy in that passageway who walks behind you, and you can't see him until you turn around hoping to see your friend!

— A wax museum — like the one my parents took me to in France . . . dark, moldy, with creepy statues of Joan of Arc and some assassinated famous Frenchmen.

— A walkway made of fiberglass that, when lighted, reveals actors in dead-people costumes on the other side, staring up at you.

— Clowns . . . like the one in Stephen King's "It."

— And shorter lines and a reservation schedule. Young couples, families or groups of friends can make reservations to be at the house at 8 p.m. and can be shown through ALONE! Tee-hee. (Of course, in this world, that approach might not work. I would probably go broke.)

Next week, I'll be back into the clubs . . . who would have guessed that the late-night scene would be cheaper than a spook alley?

Actually, both are pretty much the same. Scary people doing scary things!


E-mail: lu@desnews.com