It frightens me to think that out there, somewhere, are people who are frustrated about the fact that they haven't been able to rent the movie "Battlefield Earth" on video yet.
And if you're one of them, I have just one question for you: Are you out of your mind?
OK, enough ranting. But in case you are wondering why this year's pricey sci-fi turkey hasn't reached home video or DVD yet, it's because producer/star John Travolta wants to tinker with it before that happens.
I know, I know. Great idea, especially considering this is the same guy who thought the movie was already good, and since then he has made such excellent career choices as appearing in the almost-as-stinky "Lucky Numbers."
However, I am willing to give Travolta the benefit of the doubt and would even be willing to share some suggestions on ways that the movie could be whipped into shape.
So with all due respect to David Letterman and his "Late Show" writers, here's my list of "The Top 10 Ways John Travolta Can Improve 'Battlefield Earth' ":
10. Cut out all the scenes featuring either Travolta or Barry Pepper (in other words, all of them).
9. Three words: Jar-Jar Binks.
8. Digitally splice in some dancing monkeys, because everyone knows monkeys are funny.
7. Less talking, more rocking.
6. Two words: William Shatner
5. Add a new, hip-hop soundtrack.
4. Retitle it "William Shakespeare's Battlefield Earth." It just sounds classier.
3. Four words: song-and-dance numbers.
2. Let those wiseacres from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" review it in progress.
And the No. 1 way for John Travolta to improve "Battlefield Earth" (drum roll, please):
1. Two words: laugh track.
By the way, I would tell Travolta that he may just want to sell the film off to the much more gullible foreign markets, including Japan.
No, wait, that strategy already worked — the film wound up being a marginal success overseas.
So be afraid. Be very afraid.
IT HAD TO HAPPEN SOMETIME: Well, Disney's virtual stranglehold on the Thanksgiving weekend box-office crown finally came to an end this year.
The Mouse Studio has ruled that cinematic roost for several years, thanks to such smash hits as the "Toy Story" movies and the live-action version of "101 Dalmatians." And with such high-profile movies as "Unbreakable" and the sequel "102 Dalmatians," Disney was expected to take the top spot again.
Make no mistake about it: Both films did quite well over the five-day period, with the Bruce Willis fantasy-thriller pulling in $46 million and the kiddie dog comedy making $26 million during the same time period.
However, Universal's live-action adaptation of "Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas" came in first for the second week in a row, earning as much as those other two films combined (an estimated $74 million, which already puts it over the magical $100 million mark).
And no matter how you feel about Ron Howard's version of the Grinch (thanks to Jim Carrey's amusing one-man-show as the title character, I'm willing to cut it some slack), that's probably good for the movie industry as a whole.
Nothing against Disney, but that studio has coasted on its reputation for a long time. While most of its animated films have been good, its live-action movies — those bearing the Disney name and not coming under the dreaded Hollywood films logo — have been spotty at best. (As an example of that, consider this: As intriguing as it is for 90 minutes, "Unbreakable" ultimately crumbles because of a bad ending, while "102 Dalmatians" is a pretty lackluster movie all the way around.)
Worse, the studio seems like it's starting to get away from doing what it does best: producing films intended for families.
So maybe this box-office setback of sorts will make the Disney suits re-think their priorities and make the studio's creative people redouble their efforts. If not, at least the other studios know that Disney can be beaten at its own game — with the right film.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "There's no nuance to Cruella (De Vil). She's just bad. I like to think of Cruella as a combination of Noel Coward and the Marquis de Sade, except she's not in the least sexual." — Actress Glenn Close, describing the character she plays in the live-action sequel "102 Dalmatians."
E-MAIL: jeff@desnews.com