Lately my kids have been bringing home handouts from school that give pointers on "creating successful family table talk."
"Next time your family sits down to eat a meal together," the handouts advise, "try asking one of these questions, or think of your own; the results can be entertaining and enlightening."
Here are three of the suggested topics:
1. If you were a snowflake, where would you like to fall and why?
2. Name words that begin with the letter "M."
3. Name all the things you can think of that drip.
OK. I was mildly surprised by these handouts. Since when do we (the American people) need help generating our "small talk?" Americans have traditionally excelled at "small talk," thank you very much. Everywhere you go — at home or abroad — you hear us small-talking in our loud, nasally American voices.
This is in marked contrast to the way things are done in Europe, where you are not allowed to say anything to anybody in public unless you are the drunk guy sitting at the rear of the bus.
Of course, the way we Americans can launch into easy, intimate conversations with complete strangers is thoroughly baffling to Europeans. And it must seem at times that there is NOTHING we won't talk about, although that is not entirely true.
There are a few things that Americans won't talk about in casual conversations. Like how much money we make, for example. Most Americans regard questions about their financial lives more deeply (and offensively) personal than questions about their sex lives, which they are only too happy to discuss on the Maury Povich show every afternoon.
There are several other topics that Americans consider inappropriate for light social banter, as the following story illustrates.
A number of years ago, we had a small convenience store in our neighborhood that was operated by a lovely gentleman from another country. Now I'm sure that as he rang up groceries, this man simply could not get over the outrageously personal things we (his American customers) chatted about as we stood together in line. Instead of censuring us, however, he made a calculated decision to join in all the reindeer games.
One day, as he was ringing up my groceries, he smiled and asked me the following question in his best I'm-just-shooting-the-breeze-like-a-regular-chatty-American voice: "So, Ann, what do YOU think about abortion?"
Well, naturally, I almost dropped my jar of Cheez Whiz on my shoes, which just goes to show that there are still a few things that Americans don't necessarily want to talk about when they go to the grocery store.
On the other hand, I really would like it if my sons (1) talked more, and (2) fought less over dinner, which is why I decided to create some "successful family table talk."
Here's a transcript of a recent conversation.
ME: Boys, if you were a snowflake, where would you choose to land and why?
OLDEST SON (in a high girly voice): I am a beautiful little snowflake named ShaNell, and I would land on Quinton Cannon's head, because he is my special boyfriend!
YOUNGEST SON: SHUT UP! I AM NOT SHANELL'S BOYFRIEND!
OLDEST SON (in a high girly voice): I am a beautiful little snowflake named Mollie, and I would land on Quinton Cannon's head.
YOUNGEST SON: SHUT UP! I AM NOT MOLLIE'S BOYFRIEND!
ME: OK, you guys. Let's try this question instead. What words can you think of that begin with the letter "M"?
MIDDLE SON: Mucous membrane.
Well, I totally lost my nerve after that. I didn't even ask the third question, because I was afraid of what my boys might say.
And while I appreciate the efforts to help families connect by upgrading our "small talk" skills, I felt vaguely depressed— the way I always do when I realize (again) that my family never ever seems to respond the way other families do.
(Or at least the way other families respond on paper . . . )
E-mail: acannon@desnews.com