To every season there is a celebration. A time to be frantic. A time to be anxious. A time to be mad. A time to be depressed. A time to vow to be more sane next year. A time to forget that vow and end up just as frantic/mad/sad as you were last year at this time.
For many people, the upcoming holidays will be a time of unalloyed joy. And for many people, they won't be.
Herbert Rappaport teaches psychology at Temple University. His latest book, "Holiday Blues: Rediscovering the Art of Celebration," talks about what he's seen in his private practice: Couples coming to divorce on Valentine's Day. Families coming to blows on Christmas.
If holidays are hard for you, Rappaport understands why. He believes you when you say, "My family is dysfunctional and the unhealthiness intensifies on holidays."
But he asks you to turn inward. You are the only person you can change. Are you a juggler, exhausted by too much on your plate? Are you a loner who isolates yourself and then wonders where everyone is? Are you a Grinch, who thinks holidays are a bother?
Are you a lost soul, a person who says "no one cares about me?" Are you a mourner, constantly reminded that the holidays are not as wonderful as they were when you were young? Are you a fixer, furious because you want your family to be normal this year?
Rappaport offers these 10 commandments on how to enjoy the holidays:
1. Embrace the holiday essence.
Emphasize the true meaning of the day. This takes energy and conviction. You know that the true meaning of Christmas or Hanukkah is not about overindulgence. Remember to tell children what the holiday means to you.
If you don't make religious observances, the holidays can still be meaningful. Move at a leisurely pace. Enjoy family activities such as ice skating, winter picnics, cultural events.
2. Exercise choice.
First, chose whether you will celebrate at all. While this sounds radical, you might actually do your family a favor to spare them your Grinch-like presence. If you choose to celebrate, then chose how to celebrate. On the one hand, humans crave tradition. On the other hand, if you aren't enjoying this holiday, take time to analyze what family pattern is the most troublesome. You might be able to eliminate or alter the source of your unhappiness.
3. Exercise imagination.
The framework of holidays such as Christmas or Hanukkah is built on surprising and delighting our loved ones, especially children. Some people are naturally creative, Rappaport says. Others, especially those who are "lost souls," need to stretch themselves.
This is the season to plan something special for someone else. Invite foreign students to dinner. Or take your family away — to the seashore, perhaps — for a unique and unhurried celebration.
4. Be pro-active.
Isn't it ironic how hard we hold on to painful patterns? Jugglers, in particular, need to make a plan if they want to avoid the chaos of the holidays. They need to shop early — then resist the urge to cram too much into the free time they've created.
5. Adjust expectations.
The fixer especially needs to realize changes will be small. His in-laws will still have bad manners. His hermit brother won't become outgoing. It is possible, in some families, to change the dynamics by having an open discussion. But don't count on too much. You know where the family tension came from last year. That tension will likely still be around.
6. Be present.
We spend our entire year in a rush. Being present for a holiday means shutting out interference. "We must allow enough time for the holiday to have meaning," he says. Turn off the TV and the telephone. Focus on the now. Listen to the person you are talking to. Mourners, especially, will find this difficult.
7. Practice altruism.
Volunteer. Donate money. Volunteer and donate money all year long.
8. Focus on relationships.
Even obligatory dinners have a restorative quality. Rappaport talks about shamans in East Africa who treat the spiritually ill by sending them back to their native villages to eat and work and rest.
Loners may find it impossible to have deep discussions at family dinners. Still, they should go to family dinners. Humans benefit from even the most superficial interactions.
9. Have patience.
We live in a quick-fix society. But the holidays can't be fixed quickly. "Think of celebration as a piece of art that can be worked and reworked until it represents the image we desire," he says.
10. Help!
Ask for your family's help. You might have to ask more than once to be allowed to cut back on gift-giving.
Ask for professional help. People usually don't come to therapy because of a specific holiday. A woman already may be seeing a counselor about her unhappy marriage. As her anniversary approaches, her dissatisfaction may intensify. She and her counselor need to be aware of the approaching date. She needs to make plans to avoid depression.
Sometimes a psychologist may not understand which holidays are upsetting — or why. Rappaport once counseled a woman who seemed anxious and blue as Memorial Day approached. She didn't want to talk about why but eventually admitted that the beginning of swimsuit season reminded her that she didn't like her body.
Ask yourself if you can deal with the holiday blues all alone. You may decide to seek professional help. You may decide to try some changes on your own. Either way, Rappaport says, if you are blue, the decision to take action is healthy.
E-MAIL: susan@desnews.com