The best thing about ABC's remake of the 1973 TV movie "Satan's School for Girls" is the special effects.
And the special effects aren't that good.
As for the rest of the movie, it's out-and-out awful. There are really only two reasons to watch it — for the unintended laughs, and for Shannen Doherty-haters who want re-affirmation of their disdain for the alleged actress. It airs tonight at 7 on Ch. 4.
The original movie has become somewhat of a trivia contest question, featuring both Kate Jackson and Cheryl Ladd in their pre-"Charlie's Angels" days. And the bare bones of the story remain pretty much the same.
Doherty plays Beth Hammersmith, a young woman (considerably younger than Doherty, who looks fairly ridiculous in the part) whose sister runs home from an all-girls college and promptly commits suicide. (We, of course, know it wasn't suicide — we saw sis murdered by the special-effects thing.)
So Beth does the only logical (?) thing — she enrolls at the all-girls school under an assumed name to find out what happened. Soon, she's investigating a supposedly mysterious group called "The Five," whose members have demonic powers.
None of this is scary. None of this is surprising. People die stupid deaths that you see coming when their eyes turned red. The resolution comes far too easily, and the cliffhanger is just, well, stupid.
And Kate Jackson, who was one of the students 27 years ago, plays the headmistress this time around. She looks more than a bit embarrassed to even be involved in this remake — as well she should.
FREAKS AND GEEKS RETURNS: NBC's high-quality, low-rated series "Freaks and Geeks" (7 p.m., Ch. 5) gets one more (one last?) chance tonight. And the odds of it surviving aren't good.
Still, catch it while you can. This is great TV — far better than most of what the network calls "Must-see TV."
Even though it's about teenagers, it's not a kids show. (Although older kids can certainly appreciate it.) Set in 1980, it's about relatively normal teens trying to work their way through the trials of adolescence.
And tonight's episode is fabulous in an understated sort of way. One storyline finds Sam in a quandary when he inadvertently learns that Neal's father — a guy he and the guys adore — is having an affair. It's a wrenching situation for everyone, and it's handled compassionately without becoming maudlin.
Elsewhere, Ken develops a crush on a tuba player, another storyline that rings true with the awkwardness and humor that such situations carry in real life.
"Freaks and Geeks" is a great show. Catch it while you can.