Forget about those fairly obvious awards for MVP and Coach of the Year and Rookie of the Year and all that. Now it's time to hand out awards to those people, good and bad, funny and sad, who night after night make the NBA a place where anything can -- and frequently does -- happen.
So here's this season's real winners:Doing the Most With the Least Award:
To Orlando coach Doc Rivers. Magic fans expected nothing from this team, to the tune of 5,000 fewer season tickets, after it shipped out its best players during the offseason. But Rivers has a squad of cast-offs and no-names vying for a playoff spot.
Get a Grip Award:
To the Hornets, who want the city of Charlotte to pay the entire $220 million bill for a new arena. Runner-up: Rapper Percy "Master P" Miller, for ripping the Raptors after they cut him. He should have been grateful they let him into their camp to pretend to be a basketball player.
Elgin Baylor Worst Personnel Move Award:
To the Atlanta Hawks, for dismantling a playoff team to bring in Isaiah Rider, who reported late for camp, missed practices, regularly popped off and generally disrupted the entire organization before being cut loose in midseason. Runner-up: New Mavs owner Mark Cuban, who introduced the Duke of Disruption, Dennis Rodman, to a youthful Dallas team that was just starting to play well.
Hopeless Ingrates Award:
To Wizards veterans Rod Strickland, Mitch Richmond and Ike Austin, who showed up for camp in poor shape and played accordingly, yet never once acknowledged their shortcomings had anything to do with the team stinking it up.
Nostradamus Award:
To Toni Kukoc, who annoyed everyone in Chicago when he predicted the Bulls would win 25-30 games "if everything goes well." Everything didn't, except for Kukoc, who escaped to Philly. The Bulls won't win 20.
Luther Wright Worst Draft Pick Award:
To the Hornets, who took UCLA point guard Baron Davis with the No. 3 pick, passing on Lamar Odom, Wally Szczerbiak, Andre Miller and Shawn Marion, to name a few.
John Stockton Best Draft Pick Award:
Cleveland, which took Miller at No. 8 as the third point guard selected, and he may be better than Steve Francis in the long run.
Ugly Reunion Award:
To Latrell Sprewell, for the classless way he behaved on his first return to Golden State since the infamous choking attack on coach P.J. Carlesimo. Taunted by fans, Sprewell unleashed a storm of obscenities. What had he expected, yellow ribbons? Then, just to prove he has problems with right-and-wrong concepts, he was shocked when the league fined him.
Politically Incorrect Award:
To Tim Hardaway, who observed of the Heat's new V-neck uniforms, "We look like girls, like a WNBA team."
Foot-in-Mouth Award:
To Nuggets coach/GM Dan Issel. When it appeared a sale of the team was a done deal, he referred to the previous owners as "a bunch of cheap expletives." Then the sale fell through, leaving the cheap expletives still in charge. Amazingly, Issel kept his job. Runner-up: Celtics forward Danny Fortson, who said after being traded to Toronto, "In Boston, we're 21-28, and the ship is sinking pretty fast." The next day the trade was nullified and Fortson returned to Beantown, wearing a life preserver. Second runner-up: Portland guard Bonzi Wells, who immediately before the Blazers' well-documented tailspin said, "We like to make people taste victory and then take it out of their mouths."
Spoiled Brat Award:
To Allen Iverson, the Sixers' guard who despite months of preferential treatment got miffed when the team finally decided to bench and fine him. Runner-up: Nets guard Stephon Marbury, who came out for pregame warmups one night with "All Alone 33" -- a shot at his teammates' lack of support -- scrawled on his ankle tape.
I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up Award:
To Shawn Kemp. The Cavs' forward used to be a dunking machine, now he can barely lift his rear end off the ground.
Mixed Message Award:
To the Pacers, who assigned Jonathan Bender and Al Harrington (who both skipped college) to speak to high schoolers about the importance of staying in school.
Best Zinger:
To an anonymous Timberwolves executive. Asked about a rumor they were trying to trade Terrell Brandon for the Knicks' Kurt Thomas, Chris Childs and John Wallace, the exec said, "We're not in waste management." Runner-up: Minnesota G.M. Kevin McHale, who said, "If a nuclear bomb dropped on the Earth, two things would survive: roaches and David Falk."
Hard-Luck Player:
To Jayson Williams, who returned from one lengthy injury only to break his toe in his first day of practice.
Whine of the Year:
To Scottie Pippen, for telling anyone and everyone not only that he belonged on the All-Star Team, but exactly who else didn't.
The We'll Miss Ya Plaque:
To Charles Barkley. He deserved better than to be forced out by an injury instead of having a chance to entertain us with a final season of brutal honesty.