"My movie trilogy is better than yours."
"No, my movie trilogy is better than yours."
"No, mine."
"Mine."
"Want to fight about it?"
Sound familiar? Probably not to many of you, though you can certainly expect to hear a lot more of it over the next few years.
An all-out war is ready to erupt between fans of the "Star Wars" films and devotees of J.R.R. Tolkein's "Lord of the Rings" books, which are being adapted for the big screen by director Peter Jackson ("The Frighteners").
Adding fuel to the fire are reports from New Line Cinema, which is footing the bill for the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, of course, that seem to indicate there is more interest in their films.
To be more specific, New Line officials say that the number of downloads done by online viewers of their exclusive "Lord of the Rings" preview far exceeds that of the previous record-holder — which, if you hadn't guessed already, was the online trailer for "Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace."
The studio reports that the "Lord of the Rings" footage was downloaded 1.7 million times in its first 24 hours, as compared to the 1 million "hits" for "The Phantom Menace" preview received.
(That figure was confirmed by Apple Computers, which managed releases of both trailers through its Quicktime viewer format and monitored the online traffic.)
Needless to say, there's already been considerable debate on fan sites, with both sides declaring victory.
(So far, the Star Warriors seem to be getting the best of the fray, especially those who have referred to the sheer number of "Phantom Menace" videos rented and sold since its release this month.)
But in all fairness, let's take a look at both cases and address specific points:
ONLINE "HITS": "Lord of the Rings" would seem to be leading in this category, but remember, movie trailer downloads weren't quite as fashionable at this time last year as they are now. So neither can really be said to have the edge here.
SPECIAL EFFECTS: The digital effects in "The Phantom Menace" are terrific. But the effects haven't even been finished for "Lord of the Rings" yet. Edge: Neither.
COOLNESS OF THE TRAILER: The "Phantom Menace" footage featured hordes of robot drones and a horned evil Jedi. "Lord of the Rings," on the other hand, teases us with glimpses of orcs, ring wraiths and a bearded wizard. Edge: Neither.
GREAT THEMES: Despite the fact that "Star Wars" universe creator George Lucas says he took inspiration from "The Wizard of Oz" and Akira Kurosawa films, Tolkein fans say that certain portions of the "Star Wars" films were cribbed from Tolkein.
Let's be fair, authors before Tolkein dealt with the struggles between the forces of good and the hordes of evil. And though the characterizations are richer in the books, that won't necessarily be true of the movies. Edge: Neither.
RACIAL CONTENT: "The Phantom Menace" received a lot of criticism for perceived racism (the character of Jar-Jar Binks being the main culprit). But there have been knocks against Tolkein for having his heroes be fair-skinned and his villains be darker-hued. Edge: Neither.
RELEASE SCHEDULE: The "Lord of the Rings" trilogy hasn't even finished shooting yet, but the movies are scheduled to be released on three consecutive Christmases, beginning in 2001. On the other hand, we've already seen one from the "Star Wars" prequels, and Lucas says he's taking his time to develop the material and characters, as well as getting the right cast. Edge: Neither.
So let's tally up the scores. Hmm, a lot of "neithers."
OK, that may sound like a cop-out, but it's true — until all the movies have come out, we shouldn't declare a real victor.
(You didn't think I was crazy enough to express a preference at this stage, did you?)
By the way, for those who haven't seen the "Lord of the Rings" preview yet, it's still available for download on the official Web site www.lordoftherings.net.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "(Peter Jackson has) translated it from three books into three films, so it has changed a lot. Has he changed the story? No. We literally go back to Tolkein's work and re-read what he wrote." — Ian McKellen, one of the stars of the upcoming "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, when asked about whether they would be faithful to J.R.R. Tolkein's novels.
Deseret News movie critic Jeff Vice can be reached by e-mail at jeff@desnews.com