And Elian Gonzalez thought the sharks in the ocean were the worst part.
How about that wake-up call with the AK-47?If he ever does make it back to Cuba, that's going to be some "What I Did On My American Trip" report.
You know. The usual. Shipwreck. Shark attack. Rescued from the sea by fishermen on Thanksgiving Day. Visited Disney World. Personally met Mickey Mouse. Became central figure in world's biggest custody battle. On TV more often than "ER." Kidnapped at gunpoint the day before Easter. Rode in a helicopter and airplane to Washington, D.C.
And after all that, the Easter Bunny still found him.
Of course, it's not about the kid.
It stopped being about the kid about noon last Thanksgiving Day.
Ever since, Elian Gonzalez has been the rope in a tug-of-war between democracy and Communism.
Both sides see a 6-year-old with an angel face as the perfect poster child.
This isn't a custody battle between a father and a great-uncle; this is between the United States and Cuba, between freedom and state rule, between capitalism and comrades. Winner gets major P.R. points.
And, oh yeah, also the kid.
Unfortunately, governments, with the exception of King Solomon, aren't very good at family law.
Let's face it, we've never been able to get a good bead on deciding where the kid goes. To the mother? The father? The grandparents? Boarding school? Joint custody? All have their down sides.
Ideally, the child stays put and the grown-ups go back and forth.
The annoying part is that the Other Side is playing this poker game a lot better than we are.
Freedom -- real freedom -- is predicated upon the obeying of rules.
Without that, there goes freedom and here comes anarchy.
But the Cuban exiles in Miami -- a group led by Elian's relatives -- insist on projecting to the world images of being beleaguered and oppressed -- as if it's them living in a dictatorship.
Irony of ironies: thousands in Miami's Little Havana continue to dogmatically insist a superiority of life over those living in the Real Havana while they burn American flags in the street.
Meanwhile, what does Cuba's wily dictator, Fidel Castro, do? He grants freedom to Elian's father to come to the United States, a privilege Juan Gonzalez wouldn't have even dreamed of enjoying -- or affording -- just six short months ago.
So Juan strolls the streets of Bethesda, not a gun, police escort or soldier in riot gear in sight -- awaiting the arrival of Elian in a bulletproof car, accompanied by the Third Army.
Meanwhile, as TV networks worldwide run and re-run footage of the early morning seizure of Elian, retired members of the old KGB and East German Stasi sit in their armchairs and sigh, remembering the good old days.
Hard to believe but true: We look like the bad guys.
We're getting schooled by a country that keeps losing its baseball players to us.
Why Janet Reno didn't send a woman social worker to the front door to get Elian, unarmed, carrying a big chocolate bunny and a blanket, is beyond me.
But then, it's also beyond me why we didn't send a 6-year-old back to his father the day he was rescued.
Along with a hide-a-key to a power boat hidden in Havana harbor with two motors, a nautical map on how to get back to Miami, and season tickets to Florida Marlins games.
We could have had Elian and Juan both -- and film at 11.
Lee Benson's column runs Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Send e-mail to benson@desnews.com, fax 801-237-2527.