Question: My daughter will turn 3 next month and has been potty-trained since she was 2 years, 4 months old. My question is about night training.
I'm not really worried about it; I'm sure she will eventually train herself. But I wanted your advice on what, if anything, I should do. -- D.Z., Antioch, Calif.
Dr. Brazelton: Most children begin to want to stay dry at night by the fourth or fifth year.
I would never put pressure on your daughter to stay dry, for it signifies a very big achievement.
Many children have immature bladders and immature sleep patterns so that deep sleep interferes with alerting them to get up to go to the potty.
If your daughter wants you to help her, you can take her with you to the store to find a special nighttime potty that you can paint with luminous paint. Put it by her bedside. Then, before you go to bed each night, rouse her so that she can go on this pot. If she's ready, she'll awaken later on by herself to go again.
But there's no rush. If she begins to feel badly about her inability to stay dry, it may endanger her self-esteem -- and protecting that is more important than having her stay dry.Question: I read your advice to the woman whose grandchild was being picked on at school. As chairperson of the Parent Focus Group for the Ribbon of Promise National Campaign to End School Violence www.ribbonofpromise.org, I disagree with your solution. Children cannot handle the bully's behavior by themselves. They need the positive reinforcement of an adult to show the bully that the type of behavior they are exhibiting is unacceptable.
Joining up with other children who are also being bullied protects the child only sometimes. Should the bully catch the child alone, it is sometimes worse.
What parents should do when their child comes to them about bullying is support them and praise them for coming forward.
Then they should go to the child's school and make sure the adults there understand that the child who is being bullied is not the problem.
The bully's behavior is the problem.
At no time should the target be made to feel ashamed they told an adult.
The parents of the bully should receive counseling recommendations for their child, and the school staff should stay on top of the situation.
No child should have to go to school and be afraid of another child. --Cindy Murdoch, Springfield, Ore.
Dr. Brazelton: I worry about the child who must be a bully to prove himself. I worry, too, about the bullied child, for he may learn to present himself as a vulnerable target. As adults, we surely need to take roles in helping both of these children. But unless we know the children well, it's hard to give appropriate advice. Parents must evaluate the situation and do what is right for their child. Perhaps my advice, together with yours, will help them come to the right decision.
Question: In a recent column, a grandmother wrote about her distress over her 18-month-old grandchild's temper tantrums.
I suggest the problem is the child's total frustration at not being able to communicate. The child is probably bright but doesn't speak yet. She is possibly a prime candidate for learning American Sign Language, which would allow her to communicate. -- N.J.S. San Francisco
Dr. Brazelton: I haven't had any experience with sign language, but I've had plenty with toddlers' temper tantrums.
Since I think they are a normal, expectable part of a toddler's development as she works out her own decision-making ("Will I or won't I?"), I can't feel worried about them in a healthy 18-month-old.
Parents or grandparents shouldn't feel responsible for a toddler's tantrums. I've found that the more you try to stop them, the more you are likely to fuel them.
Since a tantrum is the child's issue, parents can try to ignore them while they are happening. After they're over, they can pick up the child to comfort her and let her know they understand her frustrations.
For other suggestions, read my book "Touchpoints" (Addison Wesley).
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, NY 10168. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Dr. Brazelton regrets that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Dr. Brazelton heads the Brazelton Foundation, which encourages and supports education and training programs that implement preventive health-care practices for children and families. For more information, write to: Brazelton Foundation, 4031 University Drive, Suite 200, Fairfax, VA 22030. T. Berry Brazelton, M.D.
Copyright T. Berry Brazelton, M.D.