Question: What is your opinion of an 8-year-old boy who cannot say "I love you"? When I ask him why he cannot say the words, he replies that he really doesn't understand what they mean. I have tried to explain by giving examples of what love means, but he doesn't seem to understand.
He seems to have difficulty expressing his feelings of like or dislike. When asked if he had a good time at a birthday party, he can't seem to give a definitive answer. If I try to talk to him about it, he gets upset.
Now I just say "I love you" without expecting any reply. I have told him it's OK not to say it if he doesn't feel it and that maybe someday he will. He is otherwise affectionate, giving and receiving hugs and kisses. I have raised him myself in a loving household. We left his abusive father when he was 2 and haven't had any contact since.
I have tried to provide a stable, loving environment for him to flourish in, buy this one thing nags at me. — C.C., Royal Palm Beach, Fla.
Dr. Brazelton: It sounds as if you may be embarrassing your son by pushing him so hard. He expresses himself behaviorally. Let that be enough. In a single-parent family, it may feel too close or too uncomfortable for him to have to use adult expressions such as "I love you." Respect his clear decision and don't push him on this.
Question: I am in support of N.J.W. in San Francisco, who responded regarding the grandmother who was distressed over her 18-month-old grandchild's temper tantrums. She advised teaching the child American Sign Language to assist in communication between the child and adults. You said you do not have experience with sign language and that temper tantrums are a normal part of childhood. While I agree with you in that respect, I also believe that the frequency of tantrums can be reduced through sign language.
My daughter has been practicing sign language with my 2 1/2-year-old granddaughter since she was a year old. The child has responded very well and is extremely well-behaved. Although she still has tantrums, they are few and far between. My daughter attributes this to her ability to communicate.
My granddaughter knows more than 100 words in sign language and is learning to put sentences together. This has not hindered her verbal skills. My daughter feels that the use of sign language has saved a lot of time and frustration because the guesswork in communicating with a small child has been virtually eliminated. — G.J.M., Kirkland, Wash.
Dr. Brazelton: What we call gestural language — including signing — is an important form of communication with small children. In the case of tantrums, teaching children more formal signing may well divert their natural tendency to establish strong feelings at the time of a tantrum.
However, I believe that tantrums are one important pathway for toddlers to learn about themselves and how to handle themselves when they want to be in control of their decisions. So, I don't feel driven to divert them.
Natural forms of signing such as smiling are instinctive responses of caring adults. When a small child makes a bid for a verbal response, or a smile or a frown, one should surely respond in kind.
I certainly recommend all such forms of communication. Every time you respond to a baby's bid you are saying, "You are important!" This helps a small child develop self-esteem. He realizes: I matter!"
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, NY 10168. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. © T. Berry Brazelton, M.D.