Hello, back.
This is Toe.
That's right. Down in transportation. The support troops carryin' all you higher-ups who think you're the backbone of the operation.
Man, I don't know how you did it, but I gotta ask Hands to give you five.
After all your years of gripin' and moanin' — oh my achin' back; I'm down in the back — suddenly we got the job of cleaning up after you.
Yep, now we Toes gotta mop floors, just so you wimpy Backs don't get any owies.
Whassup widat, you heels?
Messages like this could sweep the country now that there are Scrubby Toes.
What are Scrubby Toes?
They are a new product trying to make his-toe-ry in the household cleaning industry.
Got a stubborn scuff mark on the floor? Sticky spot, smudges, spills, grease?
Maybe, like our house, you've got crumbs in the kitchen corner left over from the kids' birthday party last September.
Here's all you have to do.
You simply slip some Scrubby Toes — super-absorbent terry-cloth slippers with nylon patches on the tippy-toes — over your shoes and you begin to make like Fred Astaire on those pesky pet hairs.
Off come those "nasty black marks, without bending over to use your hands," as a press release says from Advanced Marketing Systems in Nixa, Mo.
"Great for bad backs and expectant moms.
"No more throwing a towel down to dry."
"No more waiting — floor dries as you walk on it with your Scrubby Toes."
"No more mopping yourself out the door!"
"Save time and energy. No more footprints on your freshly washed floor."
"Vinyl lined inside to protect your shoes from moisture."
In case Dad thinks he's getting out of this because Scrubby Toes are made to fit Cinderella, think again, Prince Charming.
"One size fits all," the advisory assures.
Might as well step right in, give with the Tiny Tim, and tiptoe through the footprints in your very own Scrubby Toes.
These little piggies are going to market because Cathleen Ahern dreamed them in Haverhill, Mass.
"Laziness, the mother of all invention," said Ahern by phone from her Monroe Designs Co., producer of Scrubby Toes.
"I just always hated going over to the sink to get the sponge to get down on the floor for those really stubborn marks," said Ahern, who doesn't see her brainchild replacing the main mop job.
"This is for those touch-ups at the end of floor-mopping or between moppings," she said.
Ahern, 36, a 1984 University of Colorado graduate who's been in marketing most of her life, needed someone to execute her prototype.
That would be her mom, Clodette.
"It's a pretty simple procedure, but I don't sew," Ahern said.
That was two years ago and now Scrubby Toes have made it into catalogs such as Home Trends and Solutions. Two recent breakthroughs: They're available at Linens 'n' Things and insomniacs can catch Scrubby Toes in their very own soon-to-be-released infomercial.
"They actually started to make money, although we're putting it right back into inventory," Ahern said.
What's next?
Accompanying whistle-while-you-work CDs by those popular blues-rockers, "Little Feat?"
Endorsements by Bigfoot?
("But wait, that's still not all — with each Scrubby Toes purchase you also get the fun family home game, Tick-Tacky-Toe.")
OK, Back, we're ready to walk a mile in your shoes — not that you know what it's like to wear some — and do the cleaning for you.
But you owe us a movie. Make it our favorite. " Footloose."
With snacks. Tootsie Rolls, natch.
And that achin' bit?
Hey, now we know where you're comin' from.
Toe-tally.
Gib Twyman's column runs Saturdays. Please send e-mail to gtwyman@desnews.com , faxes to 801-237-2121.