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The upcoming Republican convention in Philadelphia will consist of four straight nights of positive, harmonious, nonconfrontational speeches with no attacking of Democrats. Never mind that too much sugar will rot your teeth.

No attacking of Democrats? Must we depend on Philadelphia's cops to provide drama?

No wonder the TV networks are providing minimum coverage. This is a good indication that Bush will pick a pro-life running mate to avoid a fight. It will also avoid an audience.

Republican hatchet men like Tom DeLay and Dick Armey will be locked in the basement. John McCain will speak but only with an imposed seven-second delay in transmission in case he blurts out anything newsworthy.

Colin Powell will deliver his trademark "I'd Rather Be Loved Than President" speech and Elizabeth Dole will declare that she is not interested in a cabinet position since she has already held them all.