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Lessons from the home front

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(Art Buchwald is reprinting some of his favorite columns.)

Due to an illness, my wife has been out of action, and I have found myself in the role of home manager. I must admit, I never paid too much attention to what a wife did to maintain a house and assumed that it was a snap compared to solving the Israel/Palestine situation.

I am now realizing that there is more to housekeeping than the TV commercials would have us believe. Here are some of the things I discovered in my new consciousness-raising position:

A laundry hamper only holds dirty clothes. It does not wash them.

There is no such thing as an empty dishwasher.

Garbage disposal units do not grind up steak bones or forks and spoons.

Appliance repairmen all have answering machines, but they never retrieve their messages.

You cannot grow food in a refrigerator. You have to go to a supermarket and buy it. No matter what you buy for dinner, your bill always comes to $69.50.

Many varieties of foods have to be cooked. This requires pots and pans. Fresh fish and meat do not come with instructions. Neither do fresh vegetables. Frozen meals taste just as good as fresh meals.

A person can overdose on hamburgers and scrambled eggs in less than five days.

Garbage has to be put out on the street once a week, or no one will take it away. Grass has to be watered, or it will turn brown.

After making up beds two days in a row, the thrill is gone.

A neighbor never congratulates you on your waxed floors.

UPS rings your bell only when they have a package for the person next door who isn't home.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it is not part of the house.

Los Angeles Times Syndicate