You know how you twirl linguini around a fork with that Pacino cool and hoist it down the hatch like any good paesano?
Don't do that.
Not at your average business lunch, anyway.
Much as you may love pasta — just about who doesn't? — it's a hard thing to handle if you're hoping deal-making is on the menu.
"Pasta is a busy dish. It's high-maintenance food," says Rob Archuleta, fresh from teaching a business etiquette seminar at Westminster College, where he's director of Sodexho-Marriott Services, the contractor providing campus food.
"You've got the whole twirling thing going on with pasta. Do I slurp that last piece of noodle? Spoon, no spoon?" he said.
The meat of the message Archuleta's delivered for years at seminars is: Don't fritter away the chance at fraternization.
"Your focus is on the people you're meeting. Eye contact. Concentrating on conversation. You can't do that if you're chasing down the last pea on the plate."
Which is tricky food in the same pod with pasta.
"Peas are a lot of trouble and, anyway, what's the point? Pearl onions and peas. Whoopee."
No doubt, Archuleta says, food is a recipe for networking.
"It softens the situation. Creates comfort. Breaking bread is a historical symbol of friendship. But it's a prop, rather than the primary thing.
"You've got enough stress at these meetings without worrying what you do with three forks."
I always thought that was easy. They're all there for flipping peas.
Still, it's hard to argue with Archuleta's logic: Come across as a slob, lose the job.
To that end, there are other things to avoid. Like the bone-in meats, chicken and ribs.
"Depends on the environment. A cookout, OK. Otherwise, uh-uh. Don't think so," Archuleta.
He really knows how to hurt a guy weaned on barbecue in Kansas City, where sauciness is next to godliness and the rib is the staff of life.
There can be no gastronomic gaffe connected with KC barbecue, unless you fail to drip it to your elbows.
Then again, there's more to etiquette than minding your peas and BBQs, Archuleta says.
Adios, also, the tacos.
"You've got to tilt the head. Everything's falling out. You want to do the three-finger pinch to pick it up, but you gotta use a fork. Again, too much motion," Archuleta said.
Even salad can offer pratfalls.
"Just don't overbuild at the salad bar so you've got it spilling everywhere," he said.
I suppose this rules out using the pointer finger to balance that last crouton.
"Please," Archuleta said, conveying eye-rolling over the phone.
If we must do finger food, appropriate ones are pizza, egg roll and crab Rangoon, he said.
"I personally have never eaten pizza with a fork. Crab Rangoon? Cut those bad boys with a fork and they're airborne."
So there's plenty of problem food out there. What's a mother to do?
"The good guys are the carved meats — steak, roast beef, ham. Most restaurants have gone to chicken breasts, and they're easy. Many sandwiches are compact and tidy. Do avoid the club," Archuleta said.
Archuleta came by such food passion honestly, growing up in a family of three chefs in Santa Fe, N.M.
"My mentor was my Uncle Delmo. 'Say nothing, follow me and learn.' "
His taste buds took Rob to Albuquerque, Houston, Oklahoma City, Dallas and "the past year and a half, beautiful Salt Lake."
Along the way, he's slowly learned to harness his own table manners.
"My friends hear I'm teaching this course, they go, 'Rob. You?' It's like, 'Yes, yes, contrary to what you've seen of me in a restaurant.' "
The thing he tries to remember is that business lunches are meeting with the eating, not eating with the meeting.
"Hey," he says, "if you're still hungry afterward, stop at a fast food place. Grab a burger."
Gib Twyman's column runs Saturdays. Please send e-mail to gtwyman@desnews.com , faxes to 801-237-2121.