I've finally figured out the market niche for the American General Hummer, the civilian version of the U.S. military's High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle (HMMWV) — dubbed Humvee by G.I. Joes and Janes who already have too many acronyms to memorize.
That niche is teen males, guys who are too old to play with their Tonka trucks any longer but not so old that they can't appreciate the charms of a huge, noisy, awe-inspiring vehicle that just happens to be the baddest SUV in town.
I know this because I could see the gleam in the eyes of a young man, a friend of my 16-year-old daughter, whom I let take the wheel of this week's test Hummer for a brief but life-altering jaunt.
"I could get used to this," said the kid whose usual ride (when it's running) is a Jeep Cherokee.
Alas for him, he probably won't get the chance — at least not while he's young enough to appreciate it. The only teens who get to strut their stuff in Hummers tend to be sons of movie stars such as Arnold or of NBA MVPs such as Karl. It'd take a decade of delivering papers or flipping burgers to pay for a Hummer.
It's like Dustin Hoffman said of his best-actor Oscar: "Why couldn't I have gotten this in high school, when I really needed it?"
Too true. Timing is everything, and by the time my daughter's friend can afford the payments on a Hummer — if ever — he will be a mature, responsible, minivan-driving husband and father who will view Hummer owners as anarchists or worse.
And, yes, I let my daughter drive it as well, and while she got a kick out of it, she said she wouldn't trade her Honda Civic for one. I guess it's a guy thing. The only female celeb I can find who has owned a Hummer is Roseanne. 'Nuff said.
When I first reviewed the Hummer in 1999 it was still a rare sight on Salt Lake City's mean streets. Since then, their numbers have increased, though not to the point where you see them at every intersection. But like the VW New Beetle and the Chrysler PT Cruiser, familiarity breeds contempt . . . or at least familiarity. Hummers are not the eye-bugging "What's that?!" traffic-stoppers they once were, but they still turn a few heads . . . some with smiles, some with frowns.
The latter are those who would just as soon seen the Hummer banned from public roadways as a menace to society . . . not to mention the Alaskan Wildlife Preserve and the ozone layer. These are the folks who voted for Ralph Nader last November.
Then there are those who see see nothing wrong with commuting in a brute of a vehicle that gets around 10 mpg of diesel fuel. These are the fans of "Movies For Guys Who Like Movies" on TBS.
Safe to say the Sierra Club does not give this car its seal of approval, and Consumer Reports doesn't even acknowledge its existence, so repulsed are its editors by the H-car's excesses.
Even I, a certified car guy, am not overly taken with the Hummer's Neanderthalish charms. I prefer my fantasy cars to be long, low, sleek and fast. Think Ferrari. The Hummer is long and wide (16 feet by 9 feet!), but it's not low, sleek or fast. Think Kenworth.
As sport utilities go, the Hummer has little in the way of sport. It takes a long time (18 seconds) to get up to 60 mph on the freeway, and it has surprisingly little utility for a vehicle of its size — it weighs 3.5 tons, for heaven's sake. It seats only four and has relatively little useful cargo space.
But boy does it have a strong image. It's said that the aforementioned Mr. Schwarzenegger first spied a Humvee while shooting "Kindergarten Cop" on location in Oregon and immediately began making inquiries on how he could get one.
Back then, AM General Corp. (once a part of the late American Motors), was making them just for the military, but what Arnold wants, Arnold gets, and when the first civilian version rolled off the assembly line in July 1992, guess who got it? Since then, the Hummer has been the ride of choice for rich macho men.
In December 1999, General Motors took over marketing the Hummer for AMG, and the General has been attempting to bring it more into the mainstream, although how deep the stream is for a $100K SUV is an open question, especially with a bear stock market and the economy threatening recession.
My candy-apple red tester, with its "station-wagon" body style (as opposed to the "open-top" version or the truck model that has a small pickup bed on the back) is base-priced at $94,529. A "deluxe" grey interior upgrade (looked like plain old cloth to me, but I guess that's an improvement on army canvas) added another $1,874, and a luxury package added another $9,593. The "luxuries" include cruise control, heated windshield, central tire deflation system (for driving in sand), self-dimming rear view mirror, trailer towing package, brushguard, driveline protection and a runflat tire system.
A massive electric winch that is probably capable of hauling the Hummer up the side of the American Stores Towers building was $2,688. A set of 17-inch aluminum wheels upped the ante another $2,547, highway touring tires bumped it $200, and tinted windows added $306. With destination charges, the bottom line came to an eye-watering $112,522. But, hey, if everyone could afford one, then what would movie superheroes drive?
The only differences between the 2001 Hummer and the 1999 Hummer I last tested are these: the silver-dollar sized gauges on the dash have been redesigned and clustered in a new arrangement, which General Motors says "give a freshened appearance." Whatever.
The 17-inch, one-piece aluminum wheels and tires on my tester are now optional. GM says they "offer better traction and a stronger sidewall." As if the Godzilla of sport utes needed more traction.
The "highly desirable" Monsoon premium sound system is now available on open-top models.
Inside armrests are now available for the rear seats.
And finally, a new "Ocean Blue Metallic" paint color replaces off-white in Hummer's panoply of nine hues.
Air bags? Nope. Trip computer? Uh-uh. Carpeting? Get real.
All civilian Hummers are powered by GM's 6.5-liter 195-horsepower turbodiesel engine mated to a four-speed automatic transmission. There is also a manual transfer case offering high and low gears for the full-time four-wheel-drive.
On the inside, most people remark right off on how wide it is, and the huge amount of space the driveline takes up down the interior center of the vehicle, and the interior noise level pretty much rules out normal conversation.
Still, there are advantages to driving a Hummer. For example, when you make a lane change, no one honks their horn, and hardly anyone cuts you off. I think motorists understand instinctively that Hummers don't stop on a dime, and if you get in an accident with one, your car will be totaled while the Hummer driver will just think he hit a particularly nasty pothole and keep right on rolling.
The Hummer has two fuel tanks, a 25-gallon main tank and a 17-gallon auxiliary, and at 10-12 mpg, it needs them.
E-mail: max@desnews.com