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THE RUSSELL HANDY GUIDE TO THE STOCK MARKET. Bear Market : "When stocks are down. Clinton responsible, according to Republicans." Bull market . "When stocks are up. Reagan responsible, according to Republicans." Fish Market: "What Clinton pardons smell like, according to everyone."

Correction: "A substitute word for crash, thus avoiding a panic. The word was coined in 1912 by the captain of the Titanic."

During a correction, everyone is nervous except that annoyingly smug woman in the commercial who says, "Thank you, Paine Webber."

—Mark Russell

Tribune Media Services