Question: My 4 1/2-year-old grandson has a bad temper. For the most part, he's lovable and kind, popular and plays well with others. The problem seems to arise when he's pestered by a child at day care. When he becomes so angry, he has kicked or even thrown books.
He's an only child, so he doesn't have siblings with whom to interact and to experience the picking/pestering. There's always going to be a bully who enjoys getting a reaction from him. How do you explain this to a 4 1/2-year-old? — J.A.R., Midland, Texas
Answer: I think you continue to try to help him learn to control himself. I agree with you that a sibling can help a child learn self-control; you have to learn to live with others if you have a sibling.
One way to help your grandson, when you can foresee a blowup, is to prepare him for it. Ask him whether you (or his mother) can do anything to help at the time, and then try it! Ask his teacher to do the same.
After a blowup, pick him up to comfort him, saying, "It must scare you to act that way. It does us. And other children will become frightened of you. If you could learn to use your words instead of actions, everyone would be your friend. If you can't, I will have to stop you until you can learn to control yourself. That is the goal we are all after."
Question: Everybody told us to wait to start potty training until our son was ready: Don't rush him. It will be so much easier if you wait."
Well, we got tired of waiting and started about 10 weeks ago. (He turned 4 last month.)
He still isn't interested.
We've tried rewards, praise and taking away groups of toys (trains, monster trucks) and returning only one for dry pants. He still doesn't care!
We let him pick out his own potty at the store (he won't use it). We let him pick out cartoon-character "big boy" pants that he can wear when he stays dry all day. We have pointed out everybody he knows who uses the potty, and whenever we drive past a school we point out that all the children there use the potty too.
It doesn't bother him to be wet or to reek worse than a dead skunk.
We've been using a kitchen timer to remind all of us when it's time for him to go. He seems to have decided that if the bell doesn't ring when he needs to go, it's OK to go in his pants.
We feel like we've only made a tiny bit of progress in the 10 weeks we've been doing this. (He will stand and go when we make him go into the bathroom.)
I wish I hadn't listened to all the "experts" and had started this 18 months ago. What do we do now? — J.S., Clinton Township, Mich.
Answer: As you describe what you are doing, you make me feel the pressure your son must feel. He must sense how anxious you are, and it sounds as if he may be resisting this pressure. You did so well in leaving him alone when he was younger; it must frighten him to have you turn on him now.
I have never seen pressure work without cost to the child's self-esteem. My questions to you are: Does your son understand what you are asking him to do? (It sounds as if he does for urination.) What is he saying to you by refusing to cooperate? (Maybe he's saying, "Leave it to me. It's got to be my decision, not yours.")
At Children's Hospital in Boston, we have a program we call "potty school" in which children teach others in a group setting. Parents compare efforts and share stories in order to discharge their feelings of failure and disappointment. Then, they can leave the children to learn the steps at their own pace. Can you find a similar group to join?
Your son sounds smart and determined. You won't win by pressuring him, and you may do more harm.
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168.