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The latest wonder of our miraculous technological age is that we now have a battery-operated vice president.

A cardioverter defibrillator has been installed inside Mr. Cheney by Republican doctors. In addition to being a heart monitor, the device can also open a garage door from inside a car.

If Cheney's heart speeds up, the device sends out an electrical shock that is immediately transmitted to the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.

More importantly, Cheney's defibrillator can also activate President Bush's beeper in the middle of his nap.