Where is Meryl Streep when we need her?
With the exception of the Academy Award-winning star of such films as "Sophie's Choice" and "Out of Africa," there's almost no one working in Hollywood today who seems to be capable of performing well while utilizing an affected accent on a consistent basis. (Actually, we could really use Streep's talents to "class up" what's been a pretty low-class movie year so far.)
If you don't believe me about the accent thing, here are some examples from the recent crop of cinematic releases:
The new comedy-drama "Summer Catch" features an unintentionally hilarious performance by the mumbly Freddie Prinze Jr., who adopts a Kennedy-esque New England accent, and then drops it just as quickly, then attempts it again, and so on. (As pointed out by features editor Chris Hicks, perhaps Prinze is trying to become the next Kevin Costner — not only by being in a baseball movie, but also employing a New England accent as outrageously bad as the one Costner did in "Thirteen Days.")
Playing Czech exchange student Nadia in the sequel "American Pie 2," Shannon Elizabeth alternates between attempted accents that appear to be Swedish, Russian and something in-between that's indescribably bad and unintentionally hilarious.
Hank Azaria, who did a convincing British accent in "Mystery Men," mangles a Spanish accent to an offensive degree in "America's Sweethearts."
In "American Outlaws," Timothy Dalton adopts a Scottish brogue that's more pronounced than Mike Myers' as the title character in "Shrek." (The difference is, Myers' accent worked.)
Playing the title character in "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider," Angelina Jolie sounded passably British. But, oddly enough, she also adopted a quasi-British accent for "Original Sin" — and wasn't nearly as successful. Perhaps she was just trying it out?
Always-outrageous John Leguizamo goes even more over-the-top than usual portraying Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec as a French caricature in "Moulin Rouge."
In "Rat Race," Rowan Atkinson is apparently trying to imitate Italian comedian Roberto Benigni as he might sound doing Atkinson's own "Mr. Bean" character.
Still, all of the above pale in comparison to "Captain Corelli's Mandolin," which contains a cornucopia of bad accents.
Arguably, the most effective work here may have been done by Brits John Hurt and Christian Bale, who attempt Greek accents (Bale actually starts well, but winds up sounding Russian by the film's end).
Less effective are British actor David Morrissey, doing a strangely clipped German accent, and Spanish-born Penelope Cruz, trying in vain to sound Greek.
The real topper, though, is Italian-American actor Nicolas Cage, who plays the title character, an Italian soldier. His accent is about as authentic as Chico Marx's — though only one of the two was trying for laughs.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:"I toughened up my character's voice and made him a little more hard around the edges . . . but there was no way I was going to commit to a full, you know, accent. There are tweaks and twinges in it . . . but if you're going to do that, then you have to make sure that every single person is doing it and doing it well." — Freddie Prinze Jr., talking about his unusual accent in "Summer Catch."
E-mail: jeff@desnews.com