Humans of the world unite! We have a bully pulpit coming to our back yard to air our grievances against the world.
Enough of people decrying the sources of hamburger and dog food. We need to call attention to the plight of the humans in our midst.
Humans Against Human Abuse will organize protests against the Winter Olympics, decrying the terrible abuse of people all over the world by ski manufacturers and resort owners who get rich on our pain. Humans were not meant to slide down hills with long boards lashed to our feet at tremendous speeds. These long boards are unnatural and, when coupled with stiff plastic boots, create all manner of leverage that is exerted on knees, legs, spines and other parts of the human body.
How many thousands of injuries are caused each year to humans by trying to emulate the unnatural motions we see demonstrated in the Winter Olympics? Why is Picabo Street expected to continue sliding down hills at tremendous velocities except to satisfy the wanton sadism of onlookers waiting for her to sustain another crippling injury? This is abuse of humankind of the worst sort! We demand an immediate end to the terrible spectacle of the Winter Olympics and their abuse of human beings.
We will dog the path of the Olympic torch with a rented '79 Datsun pickup with a big-screen TV in the back, showing Warren Miller ski movies and videos of the inside of what is left of Picabo Street's knee. The soundtrack alone should drown out those wimps who worry about dog food and hamburger.
People of the world unite! Get behind HAHA and bring about the end of this barbaric spectacle. We must end this terrible abuse of the human body NOW!