How to torture your mother when the weather turns cold in 25 totally easy steps.
1. Ignore your mother and keep playing your brother's GameBoy Advance in your boxers when she tells you to get ready because your ride to school will be here any minute.
2. Ignore her some more.
3. That's right. Keep on ignoring her — especially now that you've almost beaten this level.
4. Whoo-hoo! Look at that! You're a flaming GameBoy Advance genius.
5. Your mother says something again, but the sound of GameBoy Advance Victory Music is ringing in your ears. You can't hear a word she's saying.
6. Oh yes! You da GameBoy Advance man, baby! You kick GameBoy Advance tail!
7. Someone honks outside.
8. HEY! WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE! WHO'S THAT HONKING OUTSIDE? IS THAT YOUR RIDE TO SCHOOL ALREADY?
9. Yell at your mother as you toss aside your brother's GameBoy Advance and pull on those pants lying there in the corner of your room. Ask her why she didn't tell you your ride to school was almost here.
10. Mothers! You'd think they'd try to help a kid out. But n-o-o-o-o-o. They're too busy loading dishwashers downstairs.
11. Race down the steps pulling a shirt over your head. Scare the family cat standing on the staircase while you're at it, causing her to leap through the railing and onto the hutch in the entryway, thereby scattering keys and piles of mail everywhere.
12. Open the front door. Prepare to exit.
13. "Hey you," says your dishwasher-loading, non-helping mother. "Put on your coat."
14. "I don't need a coat," you say.
15. "Hello, Sweetheart. It's freezing out there."
16. Mothers. They're always all "hello, Sweetheart, it's freezing out there." What's up with that anyway? Sometimes it's hard to believe how wimpy mothers can be. Wimpy wimpy wimpy.
17. "I'm fine," you say. You give her a look that says only a wimp WOULD ACTUALLY WEAR A COAT ON A BEAUTIFUL, NOT FREEZING DAY LIKE TODAY.
18. Her right eye starts to twitch. "Can someone please, please, PLEASE explain to me why you won't wear a coat when it's freezing outside?" she asks.
19. Here we go again. Yadda yadda yadda. Blah blah blah. So on and so forth. How many times do mothers need to hear the reasons that you don't want to wear a coat to school?
20. Not that you ever actually told her the reasons. You never tell her anything, including the fact that you have a science project due tomorrow, but oh well.
21. If you ever DID tell her the reasons, however, you would say coats are a big, fat pain in the big, fat rear end. They're way heavy, and, besides, you have to mess with them after you get to the place where you're going. It's just easier to leave them home.
22. Both of your mother's eyes are twitching now. "If you don't put on a coat, I'm grounding you for the rest of your life. Even after I'm dead, you're still grounded."
23. Ha! Ha! What a joker! Your mother makes threats all the time. Probably because she forgot to go to her child-development class the day they had that lecture on "Threats and How to Follow Through with One." Normally you ignore her.
24. On the other hand, your mother does look pretty annoyed right now. In fact, you could say she even looks a little "loco." So maybe you'll just take that coat with you.
25. After all, you can always cram it into your locker with all the others and forget about it as soon as you get to school . . .
E-mail: acannon@desnews.com