Editor's note: The following column contains actual questions that Olympic tourists have asked Visitor Information Service volunteers. However, the answers are strictly the work of the smart-aleck author.
After hanging out on Main Street with the cheerful Olympic volunteers ? the guys with the "i" on the back of their coats ? and talking to the nice ladies in the call-in information center, I think I'm going to have to go with the questions about the Great Salt Lake as my favorites.
"I heard that the Great Salt Lake is so salty that you can walk on the water. Is that true?"
Yes. By all means, try it. We're thinking of making it an Olympic event.
"Where did they come up with the name for Salt Lake City?"
Hmmm, that's a tough one, but I'm going to have to venture a guess here and say that it's an Indian phrase meaning "Seattle."
"How much of that white stuff on the mountains is snow and how much is salt?"
That's a SLOC secret; they could tell you, but then they'd have to kill you.
Look, the friendly Olympic volunteers are happy to answer your questions; they were just hoping for something more intelligent. They spent months training for this moment, learning the answers to every possible question anyone could be asked.
"Where is the Jell-O museum?"
We have five national parks, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Temple Square, THE OLYMPICS, and the first KFC, but make sure you check out the Jell-O museum in downtown Salt Lake.
The VIS volunteers were required to sit through four two-hour classes so they could handle all the difficult questions they were going to be asked. It turned out to be overkill.
"Where is Utah?"
It's in Idaho.
"I can tell you when polygamy was outlawed; I can tell you what our state bird is; I can tell you about our state flower; I can tell you about our liquor laws and our national parks," says Patrick, a volunteer. "But no one asks me that."
"Where can I get a beer? "
How do you feel about Las Vegas?
"How do I hitchhike to Park City? "
Can you find your thumb?
"Does it have to be freezing to make snow?"
No, it has to be 32 degrees.
Fortunately, Olympic volunteers possess patience and a good sense of humor. After asking a volunteer named Rob several general questions about Utah, a European tourist looked nervously over his shoulder to see if anyone was listening, then leaned in close and asked:
"Do you know where I can see some Mormons?"
Rob didn't miss a beat. He leaned close to the tourist and said in a hushed tone, "Be careful; they're everywhere."
The volunteers knew there would be questions, but who knew they needed answers for the following e-mails and phone calls?
"We were wondering about wearing jackets that we got for Christmas from my husband's employer. It has the name of the company and a picture of a cement truck on it. Is it OK to wear it or should we get other jackets?"
Go with the NASCAR jacket instead.
"I would like to know if I am allowed to wear a Canadian Mountie costume to the venues? The replica costume consists of hat, red jacket, striped pants, boots, and holster."
Borrow a cement-truck jacket instead.
"I have some bullet-proof campground latrines for sale. Who would I talk to? "
How about the folks at al-Qaida?
Questions, questions, questions. They just keep coming:
"Where can I buy the excess Fritos that were shipped to SLOC?" . . . "I have four big dogs. Do you provide day care for them?" . . . "I missed my turn on the torch relay. Is there anything you can do?" . . . "What is the prize for the first-born baby during the Olympics?" . . . "Would you send me the names of your main ice makers for the curling venue?" . . .
E-MAIL: drob@desnews.com