The thing about the television business is that there's always something going on to write about. (Well, almost always.) Not necessarily something good, but something. Like . . .
A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE: On the one hand, I'm delighted that the male half of the "Today Show" anchor team is making only about 60 percent of what the female half is making. And not complaining about it.
On the other, we're talking about Matt Lauer making a reported $8 million a year on his new contract. It's not the $13 million a year Katie Couric is making, but what's to complain about?
VIEIRA THE "MILLIONAIRE": Speaking of millionaires, as expected, Meredith Vieira has decided to stay on "The View" and is adding duties as the host of the forthcoming, syndicated version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." She reportedly turned down an offer to replace Bryant Gumbel as one of the hosts of "The Early Show."
I certainly wouldn't quarrel with her decision — heck, she'll make a reported $5 million a year, and the hours are good.
But it is interesting that a woman who was once a respected journalist (she's a former "60 Minutes" correspondent) is now a game-show host.
And, personally, I lost a lot of respect for her back in 2000 when, in a Super Bowl pregame edition of "The View," she said, "It's all about the butt" before going on to say that what she really likes about football is the tight pants the players wear.
It was true at the time and it remains true today — if a man had demeaned women the way Vieira did, he would have been fired. She should have apologized to millions of female sports fans. And she never did.
SPIN CONTROL: There's an odd phenomenon in the sports world when a coach is among the finalists for a job. He often "takes himself out of the running" — which really means he found out he's not getting it and wants to save face. Well, we've got that in TV, too.
"Millionaire" producer Michael Davies is now giving interviews saying he wants ABC to cancel the prime-time version of the show (with the exception of occasional specials) so that it won't distract attention from the syndicated version. Which, should the show get the ax, will allow him to save face.
The only trouble is that ABC has so many, massive problems in its prime-time schedule that it might not cancel "Millionaire," which — at this point — is relatively cheap programming that can at least fill some space.
HURTING: I'm only guessing here, but do you suppose William Hurt would be starring in the upcoming CBS miniseries about FBI agent-turned-spy Robert Hanssen if he were still getting offered big roles in theatrical films?
"STAR WARS" IRONY: Kevin Smith, the filmmaker behind "Clerks" and "Dogma," is hosting "The Official Star Wars Fan Film Awards," which air Sunday at 6 p.m. on the Sci Fi Channel. Which is sort of funny, given that Smith lambasted "Episode 1 — The Phantom Menace" in the animated version of "Clerks," a series that ran briefly on ABC in 2000.
Actually, it was a funny bit — Smith's characters took George Lucas to court, demanding a refund on their tickets because "Episode 1" had simply recycled previous "Star Wars" movies. (Funny and true, that is.)
A STAND-UP GUY: Talk about taking a break — Robin Williams, who was sort of making a habit of doing stand-up comedy specials for HBO, is about to do another. But it will be his first since 1986.
Maybe they could call it Still Crazy After All These Years (with Paul Simon's permission, of course).
BOB'S A COOL GUY: Bob Barker may just be the coolest 78-year-old on the planet. Not only does he continue to host the hugely successful game show "The Price Is Right" during the day, but CBS was so thrilled with the ratings of the show's recent 30th anniversary special that it has scheduled seven more prime-time installments of the show.
And the first is set to air Friday, May 17, at 7 p.m. — just before the Daytime Emmy Awards, which Barker also happens to be hosting.
Maybe Vieira ought to watch a few tapes of Barker, who's the best game-show host in the business.
JFK JR. MOVIE ON CBS: CBS has announced plans for a TV movie based on the controversial book "America Son: A Portrait of John F. Kennedy Jr.," which will air sometime next season.
We're promised that it will be tasteful and non-exploitative. Which would be more believable if we hadn't seen umpteen other tasteless, exploitative movies and/or miniseries over the years.
"THE SIMPSONS" GO ON AND ON: Hey, it's no surprise that "Simpsons" creator Matt Groening is disputing reports that the show may be nearing an end. After all, the man who created Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie has said that the show will last more than 1,000 years.
"Well, 'The Simpsons' is still on in the year 3,000," he said. "But the fans on the Internet are complaining that the last 500 years aren't as good as the first 500 years."
(C'mon — that's what fans of all sorts of shows do on the Internet, isn't it?)
CLOSED-CAPTIONED FOR THE NON-HEARING IMPAIRED: If you're a fan of MTV's "The Osbournes" and you're having difficulty understanding what Ozzy is saying, you're not alone.
C'mon, nobody can figure out what he's saying.
But there is an answer. The show is closed-captioned — so flick that little switch on your TV and you can decipher it all.
Not that understanding what Ozzy is saying means that what he's saying is understandable.
SOLVE THIS MYSTERY: From the everything-old-is-new-again file, ABC is in production on a new "Nancy Drew" mystery — a made-for-TV movie set to air sometime next season.
Maggie Lawson ("Inside Schwartz") becomes the latest TV Nancy, joining Pamela Sue Martin ("Dynasty") who starred in "The Nancy Drew Mysteries" (1977-78); Janet Louise Johnson, who appeared briefly in "The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries" (1978); and Tracy Ryan, who headlined the syndicated "Nancy Drew" (1995-96).
Bonita Granville also played Nancy in four theatrical films in 1938-39 — "Nancy Drew — Detective"; "Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase"; "Nancy Drew . . . Reporter"; and "Nancy Drew . . . Trouble Shooter."
ABC's new movie sends Nancy to college, where she tries to solve a mystery involving a sorority president, her boyfriend and illicit drugs.
Hmmmm . . . Nancy Drew for the 21st century . . .
E-MAIL: pierce@desnews.com