Unless you've recently been living in a hobbit hole — or maybe hiding out in a spider hole — you're probably aware that "The Lord of the Rings" grand finale hits the silver screen this week.
It's released Wednesday at 12:01 a.m. — a time fantasy geeks might heretofore refer to as the "witch-king hour." So don't be shocked if some employees arrive the next day with red-shot eyes and popcorn breath or if others simply call in to work, well, sleepy.
Some say it's a cultural phenomenon. The like that might not be seen again for years, decades or — OK, until next summer when the third Harry Potter — "The Return of the Wiz Kid?" — comes out.
Anyhow, here's a Q-and-A session to help you kill time while standing in the long lines that are already being formed.
Why is it called "The Return of the King"?
We don't want to spoil the ending (since they already did), but it refers to the rise in power of a brown-haired singing heartthrob —either Graceland's Elvis, son of Vernon, or Gondor's Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Another theory: Sponsor Burger King could only afford naming rights for half the title. Thankfully, they didn't choose "The Return of the Burger."
What's the movie's biggest plot?
To catch you up on the first two adventures, a fellowship of hobbits, dwarves, elves, wizards, Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema executives made approximately $1.8 billion in theaters worldwide. They're crossing their fingers and wallets that this one will make a record $1 billion, which exceeds the gross national product of all but two countries in Middle Earth. Will they make it? Oh, the drama . . .
No, really, what's the plot?
There's a ring with funky writing on it that makes you disappear, babble to yourself and say things like "My preciousss," so of course the really bad guy with one evil eye who made it wants it back from the nephew of the hobbit who found it while fleeing from orcs underneath a mountain.
(It's also possible Sauron badly wants to retrieve the ring because his wife is peeved that he took off his wedding band and lost it in the first place — and you know how mad dark lords' wives can get, so you really can't blame him, well, except for the part where he wants to rule the world and wipe out humanity.)
Huh?
OK, simply put, there's a hobbit named Frodo, or Froooh-doooh as his buddy Rudy, er, Samwise Gamgee likes to call him. Anyway, Frodo has the ring — the most coveted ring this side of J-Lo's pink diamond whopper — and he is supposed to destroy it in Mount Doom. Will his wacky tour guide help him huck it in the volcano? Will he keep it? Or, might he hawk it at a pawnshop in Mordor? How long is this movie?
Let your bladder and behind know that even though this is the unextended version, it lasts three hours and 12 minutes plus trailers, credits and the post-show rush for the restroom.
Have they thought about making these movies into books?
Yeah, right. Like anybody reads anymore nowadays.
E-MAIL: jody@desnews.com