Dear Annie: My widowed mother is in her late 70s and moved into a nursing home a year ago. The only reason she needs professional care is because her 40-year cigarette habit has left her unable to cook, clean, shop or perform any household or personal chores on her own. I am the only relative living close to her.
The problem is that Mom wants to move out of the nursing home and back into her old apartment complex. She hates the place she is in now, mostly because she can't smoke in her room. Before she went into the nursing home, I was at her house all hours to cook, clean and, when necessary, stay with her till the EMTs arrived. Her apartment was so filthy, I am surprised the building manager is willing to let her back in. She is a hazard to herself and others.
Mom's doctor agrees she can leave the facility as long as she abides by the discharge plan. Mom is telling the doctor what he wants to hear. She absolutely cannot manage on her own. I have tried to reason with my mother, but she is determined to do this. I've told her that I will not, under any circumstances, help her move, nor will I refurnish her apartment. (She sold everything when she left the place.) Mom believes if things don't work out, the nursing home will take her back whenever she wants. Frankly, I don't think she is entirely rational.
Her living with me is not an option. I sought advice from a counselor, who advised me to get legal help. I also plan to call her doctor. I understand Mom's desire to live her own life, but I can't handle this. Any advice? —Arizona Daughter
Dear Daughter: Talking to Mom's doctor and filling him in is a good idea.
Also, ask the lawyer about having you named Mom's conservator, which allows you to make decisions on her behalf. However, if Mom is deemed mentally competent and her doctor still believes she is physically capable of moving out, there's not much you can do. Since taking care of her is too great a burden for you, check the local elder care services and find out if she is eligible for regular household help. The doctor can give you some references, or contact the Department on Aging in your area.
Dear Annie: Seven years ago, I suffered a severe nervous breakdown and was suicidal. I was hospitalized, and now, many medications and therapy sessions later, I am slowly making progress. I haven't held a job since this happened.
My question is, how do I tell employers, verbally and on my resume, why I haven't worked for seven years? —Looking Toward My Future
Dear Future: You do not owe your future employers detailed information about your lack of employment. If they ask, simply say you were sick and unable to work. (By the way, it might ease your transition back into the work force if you start out with part-time or temporary work, and develop a more current job history.)
Dear Annie: It is almost Christmas, and I am sitting at work, extremely upset at the gall of my co-workers and other people who find it necessary to bring gifts for a select few people. This is a small office. All week, gifts have appeared on some desks but not everyone's. It is extremely hurtful for those not on the receiving end.
May I make a suggestion? Gifts should not be exchanged at work if you are not going to give to everyone. If you choose to give to a select few, deliver them to their homes so others are unaware that you are playing favorites. — Giftless in Ohio
Dear Ohio: This reminds us of Valentine's Day in kindergarten. Please, folks, show some sensitivity to your fellow workers. If you want to give a present, do it privately so you do not unintentionally create ill-will. Thanks.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. © Creators Syndicate Inc.