Seeing disabilities in other people can be frightening for a young child. Damage to another child's body reminds her of her fears about her own vulnerability: "He's in a wheelchair and his legs don't work. Will that happen to me if I'm bad?"
Though a child may also be fascinated by the disabled person's differences, she will probably be reluctant to talk to or get close to him at first. She may say things to try to differentiate — and distance — herself: "He can't walk or run. I don't like him."
If parents can first understand and accept such fearful reactions, they can make it safe for children to try to imagine the disabled person's perspective. Start by helping the child see the disability as belonging to the other person. Assure her that she won't become disabled by contagion or from bad behavior.
Look for opportunities to teach young children to be sensitive to people who are frail or disabled. This means putting aside your own reactions to really listen to and get to know the child with a disability.
A child's first experience in facing a disability may be with a grandparent. In a close and loving context, children can begin to understand the disabilities and changes that come with age.
Fears of being disabled themselves or of losing someone are bound to come up. All the questions — "Why is she so wrinkled? Why does he have to use a cane? Will she die soon?" — need to be answered in simple, honest terms that a child can understand. Efforts to protect a child by disguising the truth are bound to backfire.
In schools, we see an increasing effort to include disabled children in regular classes (mainstreaming or inclusion). Goals for the disabled child and the other children include learning coping skills from each other as they make important relationships.
Problems can easily arise. Disabled children may need extra attention from the teacher. Unless the teacher and the class can share their feelings openly from time to time, resentments can smolder. Children can make cruel comments in their misguided efforts to master the fears that another child's vulnerability stirs up.
Open discussions about the child's disability and how it affects his functioning can help. Children should also be allowed to discuss their feelings and fears. Eventually, they can be helped to recognize what a disabled child gives back to the class.
Nurturing a disabled child in the classroom can be a wonderful experience. Children can learn from the disabled child's strength, bravery and resourceful adaptations. Disabled children will benefit from opportunities to nurture too!
Several years ago I (Dr. Brazelton) visited a center where children with special needs received treatment.
As I sat down to talk to four teenagers in wheelchairs, one young man spoke up. He was incapacitated from the neck down due to cerebral palsy. His difficulties, however, didn't include his sensitivity or his thinking.
"Dr. Brazelton, how do I help people accept my disability?" he asked.
I was stunned by such a question. "How do you know they can't accept it?"
"Oh, I can tell when I first meet someone."
"How?"
"By their eyes. They either cloud over or they turn away, as if they were shielding their faces. Their whole body goes limp and pulls away from me. Their voices sound as if they were talking to a child. They treat me as if I was mentally retarded or they start shouting as if they assumed I were deaf too.
"If I knew how to help them, maybe they'd be better at talking to me. Otherwise, they give up and walk away. They act as if I embarrassed them."
What a set of sensitive observations he had to make every time he met someone!
"What a difficult double job you have," I said. "You not only have to deal with your own disability, but you have to be prepared for others' inability to accept it. I'm so impressed with what you've learned about observing other people. How perceptive you've had to become!"
With that exchange as a starter, each of the four young men was eager to share his experiences with facing the unspoken and often unconscious prejudice of people around them.
These boys taught me an invaluable lesson. Anyone with a disability must learn to face his own difference, as well as deal with the reactions of others. Mainstreaming as early as possible can help with this. It can be a positive learning experience for all children as they overcome their fears to discover new strengths.
Parents and teachers who watch children learn to understand and overcome such differences will be heartened to face their own biases and appreciate what is truly "special" about each child.
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider.